DarkSlinky

It’s definitely time to update.

I’m single again; there’s no easy way to put it.

I haven’t updated my blog lately because, quite simply, I haven’t had the energy.  I’ve been emotionally exhausted and I seem to have lost all motivation to function like a ‘normal’ human (what is normal, anyway..?).  I wake up, usually in the afternoons, feeling lethargic and find it difficult to get out of bed.  My body or brain or whatever is switching between nights full of nightmares and sleepless nights, which I find quite exhausting.

My family have told me they’re worried about me.  I seem to be showing a lot of symptoms of depression, even though I don’t really feel anything; not pain, happiness, sadness, hope… just nothing I guess.

Well my break-up happened today so right now I’m definitely feeling pain and sadness, but that can be expected, I guess.  Once again, I just have to endure and wait for time to heal the wounds, experience the pain for what it is and learn from my mistakes.

What happened, though?

In the beginning it was all so magical and surreal; I had this wonderful man back in my life and we got on like a house on fire.  We were both swept up in the romance of the moment and before we developed even a friendship, we had dived into a serious relationship.

In hindsight, it was far too soon after my previous relationship.  After 4 or 5 months the initial puppy love died away and what was left was a lot of conflicting morals and values, which ultimately resulted in distrust, defensiveness and miscommunication.

We certainly had some wonderful times together; memories I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I guess its things like that that make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I mean, we made the decision to break up together, but ultimately I feel like it was my decision, because whether he agreed with me or not, that’s what I would have decided to do.  I just have to remind myself of my own, personal reasons for the decision I made.

My family are going to criticise me for letting him go.  Apparently I should have done anything to make him happy, even sacrifice my own happiness, because he ‘provides’ for me.  I’m not even kidding.  Aren’t my family supposed to tell me to do whatever makes me happy..?  Apparently it’s all apart of ‘growing up,’ which I’ve already decided I’m not going to do… so whatever, haha.

Anyway, we ended the relationship mostly on good terms.  We’re hoping a friendship will now have the chance to develop; and who knows what the future holds.  I don’t regret anything.

I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is not to rush into anything.  Take the time to get to know each other and make sure you’re confident a more serious relationship will work.  If the person who’s interested in you is genuinely interested, they’ll give you the time and space you need.  Also, do whatever makes you happy.  You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.  If in 10 years time you look back on today, will you be happy with the decision you’ve made…?

Haha, my blogs must all seem so negative at the moment.  I don’t see why people would want to read it exactly.  I guess looking back over my blog it’s interesting to see where life has taken me since I started writing.  People tell me they like the raw emotion and honesty in my blog.  I guess I just like to share my experiences for the benefit of… well, anyone.

Gavin:  “How are you going to deal with the horde of guys who will chase you again?”
Me:  “Combat shotgun, Molotov… I’ll be fine.”

The geek in me shall always prevail.

Speaking of which, I went to see the optometrist and discovered that I’m short-sighted.  The optometrist said I don’t exactly need glasses but they would help in my daily life, and she showed me the world as I see it compared to how I would see it through glasses.  I was honestly surprised at the difference, so I spoke to my parents and I got my first pair of glasses.

Four-eyes!

That afternoon Gavin took me to a few nice little spots so I could admire the view more clearly.  Just another of those memories I’ll cherish.

I really should sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I realise I haven’t updated in a very long time.  This is purely because there has been a hell of a lot of stuff going on, most of which I can’t disclose unfortunately.

So I thought I would do a quick update.

Let’s see…

Mostly I’ve just been sorting out some relationship issuuuuuuues (mer, mer, mer, you know how it is) as well as job hunting, which has been unsuccessful, I might add.

I’ve been feeling pretty down about it all so I’ve been playing games with friends, studying Japanese and making amigurumi in my spare time to cheer myself up.  It does the trick most of the time.  I’ve also found a few nice hiding spots in my little neighbourhood if I need to get away and think by myself for a while.

I have pretty much decided I’ll go back to university to study a Bachelor of Education as well as Japanese on the side, next semester if possible.  I shall have to look into that…

Lately I’ve become a little obsessed with Quake 3 Arena and Poker.  Yep, I learnt how to play real poker!  I thought I would be crap at it but apparently I’m not too bad.  I just have to practise my poker face.

I’ll have to post pictures of my little amigurumi projects, so I can see how I’ve improved.  I’m currently working on a cutesie little Kirby.  <3

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy day, I know it.

Bring it onnnn! >:3

<3 DarkSlinky.

Don’t you hate it when you feel down despite the fact things are going well?  I had this discussion with a friend the other day.  I don’t know if it’s normal for people to get feelings like this and I guess I’d be interested to find out more if my level of motivation hadn’t dropped significantly over the past few days.

Just so you know, my brain isn’t exactly working tonight.  I know what I want to say but every time I type it, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  My train of thought is very disjointed, so I apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.

It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of bliss, contentedness and misery that seems to work on what I like to think of as a ‘trigger-system’.  By that I mean that if I feel happy I think it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and if I feel sad I think I just have to wait for something to go right.  It could take a few hours or a few days.  How sad I feel doesn’t affect the time span; I can be either very distressed or just feeling mildly disconnected, like I do now.

I realise it’s completely irrational to be feeling upset when things are going well.  I think I’m feeling this way now because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.  My back has now been aching for 12 days and I’ve had very little sleep in that time.

I’m also very nervous about my job interview tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it and I feel excited about the fact that I’ve found the beginning of the road I want to walk down and I don’t feel completely lost.

However, this afternoon I was talking to one of my friends who had been trying to help motivate me since my break-up.  He asked me where my job interview was, and when I told him, he had the nerve to say, and I quote, “Get a real job.”  I felt deeply offended and disheartened, even if he was just ‘joking’, which I don’t think he was because when I tried to explain why I’m passionate about this line of work, he told me working at the local supermarket would be more of a ‘job’.

What the hell?  Apparently teaching parents, babies and children about pool safety that could very well save their lives one day is a waste of time.  It also means I’m a ‘babysitter’ and not a ‘teacher’.

What-ev-er.

The other issue I have at the moment is that I’ve found out a few of my close friends are moving away.  Emma already lives in New Zealand and I have two more friends who are moving overseas to be with people they love; one to the US and one to the UK.  On the one hand, I can go visit them and see more of the world, but I’ll still miss them dearly…

A good representation of how I’m feeling now would be a song most people would know quite well, Evanescence – Going under.

My next blog will either be ecstatic or bleh, I imagine… you know, as opposed to all the other things it could be.

Haha. Oh, I amuse myself.

<3 DarkSlinky.