DarkSlinky

I had a really strange nightmare last night.

I dreamt that my friends; Nicki, Lynnette, Emma and I were looking for a hotel in a swampy forest where night was falling fast.  Once the sun had set we were surrounded by crocodiles with no escape because all the trees were strange, unclimbable shapes.

My friend Lynnette got torn apart and eaten while the rest of us managed to climb up a stumpy tree but we knew that soon the crocodiles would be able to get us.  I slipped and fell out of the tree but I decided not to climb back up with my friends because without me in the tree, the branch we were sitting on wasn’t weighed down so much and my friends were safer.

I managed to run to another tree, but once I reached the other tree I realised that the back door of the hotel we were trying to find originally wasn’t far away, so I made a run for the open doorway.  I made it inside and slammed the door behind me.

I remember the light had a yellowish tinge, as if the lights in the room were aged.  I turned from the door and looked around the room.  It was of simple, old-fashioned design with fancy leather couches and wooden tables.  It had a warm atmosphere on the surface but a strange, cold feeling underneath the warmth.  There was some sort of party going on and everyone was dressed up with masks; no one was smiling, everyone was staring at me in a sort of blank disappointment.

I was in a panic, terrified for the lives of my friends.  I recognised one of the people as my mother and I remember being able to compose myself and swiftly collect my thoughts, because I figured people wouldn’t listen to a crazy person ranting about crocodiles.  I began to calmly ask people for help, saying things like, “The crocodiles – they’ve come to the hotel.  My friends are trapped in a tree outside, we must save them or they’ll die. We don’t have much time. Please help me,” but the people just turned away, went back to their party, and I felt abandoned.  I didn’t know who to turn to and I think I found a gun and decided to try save my friends myself.

My dream then changed and I was in an expensive, top-floor room of the same hotel with girls I didn’t know, but had seemed to know all my life.  The room felt plush and warm.  While the girls explored the bedroom for goodies I decided to go through the bathroom.  I remember looking forward to being able to have a soak in the bath because I was still covered in mud from the crocodile infested swamp.  The detail of the bathroom in my dream was stunning…  I might have to draw it before I forget it.

My dream then changed again and I was on the bottom floor of a modern hotel overlooking a lifeless, rain-swept city; both the room and the city were cold and grey.  I was standing on the veranda, contemplating the world when two warm arms wrapped around me and the conversation was as follows (I recognised who it was by the voice)…

Gavin:  “Isn’t it stunning?”
Me:  “I suppose… but why did you pick a room on the bottom floor?”
Gavin:  “I thought it would be easier to go out and less work to bring the bags up.  Besides, I prefer the bottom floor.”
Me:  “Mmmm…”

All I could think was how I wish someone would think about what I want for once, rather than think about what they think I should want.  Gavin then faded before I could look at him and I was left there alone, wondering absently if I had done something wrong.

Interesting, huh…?

I shall have to ponder what different things in my dreams symbolise.  I love analysing dreams.

Perhaps I’ll dream again tonight…

<3 DarkSlinky.

It’s definitely time to update.

I’m single again; there’s no easy way to put it.

I haven’t updated my blog lately because, quite simply, I haven’t had the energy.  I’ve been emotionally exhausted and I seem to have lost all motivation to function like a ‘normal’ human (what is normal, anyway..?).  I wake up, usually in the afternoons, feeling lethargic and find it difficult to get out of bed.  My body or brain or whatever is switching between nights full of nightmares and sleepless nights, which I find quite exhausting.

My family have told me they’re worried about me.  I seem to be showing a lot of symptoms of depression, even though I don’t really feel anything; not pain, happiness, sadness, hope… just nothing I guess.

Well my break-up happened today so right now I’m definitely feeling pain and sadness, but that can be expected, I guess.  Once again, I just have to endure and wait for time to heal the wounds, experience the pain for what it is and learn from my mistakes.

What happened, though?

In the beginning it was all so magical and surreal; I had this wonderful man back in my life and we got on like a house on fire.  We were both swept up in the romance of the moment and before we developed even a friendship, we had dived into a serious relationship.

In hindsight, it was far too soon after my previous relationship.  After 4 or 5 months the initial puppy love died away and what was left was a lot of conflicting morals and values, which ultimately resulted in distrust, defensiveness and miscommunication.

We certainly had some wonderful times together; memories I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I guess its things like that that make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I mean, we made the decision to break up together, but ultimately I feel like it was my decision, because whether he agreed with me or not, that’s what I would have decided to do.  I just have to remind myself of my own, personal reasons for the decision I made.

My family are going to criticise me for letting him go.  Apparently I should have done anything to make him happy, even sacrifice my own happiness, because he ‘provides’ for me.  I’m not even kidding.  Aren’t my family supposed to tell me to do whatever makes me happy..?  Apparently it’s all apart of ‘growing up,’ which I’ve already decided I’m not going to do… so whatever, haha.

Anyway, we ended the relationship mostly on good terms.  We’re hoping a friendship will now have the chance to develop; and who knows what the future holds.  I don’t regret anything.

I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is not to rush into anything.  Take the time to get to know each other and make sure you’re confident a more serious relationship will work.  If the person who’s interested in you is genuinely interested, they’ll give you the time and space you need.  Also, do whatever makes you happy.  You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.  If in 10 years time you look back on today, will you be happy with the decision you’ve made…?

Haha, my blogs must all seem so negative at the moment.  I don’t see why people would want to read it exactly.  I guess looking back over my blog it’s interesting to see where life has taken me since I started writing.  People tell me they like the raw emotion and honesty in my blog.  I guess I just like to share my experiences for the benefit of… well, anyone.

Gavin:  “How are you going to deal with the horde of guys who will chase you again?”
Me:  “Combat shotgun, Molotov… I’ll be fine.”

The geek in me shall always prevail.

Speaking of which, I went to see the optometrist and discovered that I’m short-sighted.  The optometrist said I don’t exactly need glasses but they would help in my daily life, and she showed me the world as I see it compared to how I would see it through glasses.  I was honestly surprised at the difference, so I spoke to my parents and I got my first pair of glasses.

Four-eyes!

That afternoon Gavin took me to a few nice little spots so I could admire the view more clearly.  Just another of those memories I’ll cherish.

I really should sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I realise I haven’t updated in a very long time.  This is purely because there has been a hell of a lot of stuff going on, most of which I can’t disclose unfortunately.

So I thought I would do a quick update.

Let’s see…

Mostly I’ve just been sorting out some relationship issuuuuuuues (mer, mer, mer, you know how it is) as well as job hunting, which has been unsuccessful, I might add.

I’ve been feeling pretty down about it all so I’ve been playing games with friends, studying Japanese and making amigurumi in my spare time to cheer myself up.  It does the trick most of the time.  I’ve also found a few nice hiding spots in my little neighbourhood if I need to get away and think by myself for a while.

I have pretty much decided I’ll go back to university to study a Bachelor of Education as well as Japanese on the side, next semester if possible.  I shall have to look into that…

Lately I’ve become a little obsessed with Quake 3 Arena and Poker.  Yep, I learnt how to play real poker!  I thought I would be crap at it but apparently I’m not too bad.  I just have to practise my poker face.

I’ll have to post pictures of my little amigurumi projects, so I can see how I’ve improved.  I’m currently working on a cutesie little Kirby.  <3

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy day, I know it.

Bring it onnnn! >:3

<3 DarkSlinky.