DarkSlinky

Don’t you hate it when you feel down despite the fact things are going well?  I had this discussion with a friend the other day.  I don’t know if it’s normal for people to get feelings like this and I guess I’d be interested to find out more if my level of motivation hadn’t dropped significantly over the past few days.

Just so you know, my brain isn’t exactly working tonight.  I know what I want to say but every time I type it, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  My train of thought is very disjointed, so I apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.

It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of bliss, contentedness and misery that seems to work on what I like to think of as a ‘trigger-system’.  By that I mean that if I feel happy I think it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and if I feel sad I think I just have to wait for something to go right.  It could take a few hours or a few days.  How sad I feel doesn’t affect the time span; I can be either very distressed or just feeling mildly disconnected, like I do now.

I realise it’s completely irrational to be feeling upset when things are going well.  I think I’m feeling this way now because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.  My back has now been aching for 12 days and I’ve had very little sleep in that time.

I’m also very nervous about my job interview tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it and I feel excited about the fact that I’ve found the beginning of the road I want to walk down and I don’t feel completely lost.

However, this afternoon I was talking to one of my friends who had been trying to help motivate me since my break-up.  He asked me where my job interview was, and when I told him, he had the nerve to say, and I quote, “Get a real job.”  I felt deeply offended and disheartened, even if he was just ‘joking’, which I don’t think he was because when I tried to explain why I’m passionate about this line of work, he told me working at the local supermarket would be more of a ‘job’.

What the hell?  Apparently teaching parents, babies and children about pool safety that could very well save their lives one day is a waste of time.  It also means I’m a ‘babysitter’ and not a ‘teacher’.

What-ev-er.

The other issue I have at the moment is that I’ve found out a few of my close friends are moving away.  Emma already lives in New Zealand and I have two more friends who are moving overseas to be with people they love; one to the US and one to the UK.  On the one hand, I can go visit them and see more of the world, but I’ll still miss them dearly…

A good representation of how I’m feeling now would be a song most people would know quite well, Evanescence – Going under.

My next blog will either be ecstatic or bleh, I imagine… you know, as opposed to all the other things it could be.

Haha. Oh, I amuse myself.

<3 DarkSlinky.

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