This morning I very clearly remembered.

It started with me walking through a very old and very beautiful museum.  I was standing in a large room with descending stairs in the middle and thick, glass doors behind me.  I watched as the sun began to fade through the high windows of the room.

I turned and through the glass doors I could see a creature that looked like an ogre crossed with a dinosaur.  Its’ teeth were sharp and its’ black eyes were glinting, watching me.  I pulled a shotgun out of nowhere and began shooting at the creature but all it did was break the glass and give the creature access to me.  I opted to run from the creature.  I ran straight past it down a pitch black corridor.  I couldn’t see where I was going but I realised I was running past hundreds of dead bodies.  Everything went black and I realised I was dead.

I ‘respawned’ within eyesight of the creature.  I began to run away from the creature and managed to gain distance on him because the corridor was too short and it was forced to crawl.  Eventually I came across another person and we agreed to work together to escape.

We turned a corner began searching the rooms on either side of the corridor in case there were more survivors.  I found one;   a friend of mine who I barely recognised because he was so sickly and skinny that I could lift him and carry him myself.

We left the room and realised the creature was getting closer so we stopped searching and continued to run.  We turned another corner and came across Simon Pegg dressed as he was in the end of ‘Hot Fuzz’ – armed and dangerous.  He told us he would lead us to safety, took my friend off of me and we began to run down another corridor.

The corridor eventually began to lighten and I noticed there were a lot of teenagers in school uniforms looking frightened.  We arrived at the room with the glass doors where there was  a plump lady, clearly a school teacher, telling her students not to be afraid.  I told her to be careful not to break the glass doors which had also, somehow, respawned.  I looked out the high windows into the dead of night and thought to myself that I might be late to my own 21^st gathering.

Suddenly everyone around me was joyful and relaxed and there were people outside the museum cheering and taking photos of the museum and those inside.  I realised the people inside the museum had the privilege of seeing it before it officially opened and for some reason people found this exciting.  I decided my 21^st birthday was more important than the opening of a museum and began to walk towards the entrance.

As I walked out of the museum and down a red carpet I tried calling my boyfriend in the dream (who, in reality, is my ex-boyfriend who I had been with for nearly 5 years).  He didn’t answer and the service provider informed me that he was busy watching TV.  I called him repeatedly as I walked down the dark street and eventually he answered.  When I asked him to pick me up he told me he was too drunk to drive.  I demanded that he go and ask my mother to pick me up and hung up on him.

I decided that while I waited I would sit with a group of drunk, homeless people next to a bus shelter because in such a dodgy neighbourhood I would have preferred any company over none at all.  The lady sitting next to me was drawing pictures on her leg using a tiny welder-like-instrument shaped like a pen with glittery goo inside of it.  She told me I should give myself a tattoo and explained how to use the pen-welder as she handed it to me.  I told her I didn’t want a tattoo but she didn’t seem to comprehend what I was saying.

I looked at my phone and suddenly felt like I was completely alone in the world.  I began to miss my ex-boyfriend (who, in reality, is my current boyfriend) so greatly that it was hard to breathe.  I wanted to call him to beg him to take me back and save me from this situation but upon typing his name into my phone I realised I had deleted his number.  I tried to contact a friend who would have his number but I realised I had deleted his number too.

I suddenly heard a girl screaming and I looked up to saw a ute pulling up across the road.  There was a topless bogan sitting on the hood of the car and 2 more bogans got out of the ute.  They were all intoxicated.  Together they pulled a young girl and a young man out of the back of the ute and began to drag them inside a dirty looking house, the girl was screaming the whole time.

I felt horrified and got up to walk away as I began dialing my mother’s number.  She answered the phone and said, “Are you okay my baby?” and I told her I’m okay but to hurry.  I started heading towards a petrol station that looked safer than street while I formulated a plan to call the police once I got to a safe place, and then to win my ex-boyfriend back.

Then I woke up.

I find this dream particularly interesting because in all of my dreams for the past year my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend have been one and the same.  In this dream it seemed like my mind was finally identifying them as two separate people.  The rest I haven’t thought about yet…

<3 DarkSlinky.

Epic lol.  I kid, I kid!  I did take bits out of context, but you have to admit, it is a LOT more amusing that way, and possibly more truthful.  As the awesome Ray William Johnson would say, I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Nah, seriously, he wants you to know that, in regards to the blog entry entitled ‘Sweet Homicide‘, I interrupted his game, he wears singlets when he bums around the house and he was NOT flexing to impress me.  No, not at all.  Nuh uh.  Oh, and of course, his universe doesn’t revolve around me (universes don’t revolve at all, noob).  Well that I believe. I mean, it’s not like he still combs through my blog a year later to check what I’m up to or anything, and feels the urge to comment when I say something that may relate to him in some way, right?  …….. I lol.  Perhaps I’m not the one who should “grow up” and “get over themselves.” I mean, I never mentioned his name anywhere.  Is it just me, or is it a little arrogant to assume he’s my only ex?  I could have been talking about any of them. =)

All this is so trivial though, honestly.  These are the things that give me amusement, make me laugh.  People are funny things.  It gives me something entertaining to write about, so I’m certainly not complaining!

Speaking of people and the annoying things they do; I have a friend who recently got himself a girlfriend after 10 million years (so he implies, I think it was only about a year or two though) and has completely ditched me!  I do not believe it was because of the girl, I know her and I love her (perhaps a little TOO much…) but what the hell?  I would never have expected this from one of my close friends.  He’s away on a holiday so I haven’t spoken to him about it yet but I guess I will eventually.  I don’t think he reads my blog but if he does and if he knows it’s him I’m talking about, WHAT IS GOING ONNNN?!

In other news, one of my friends bought me Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 because I’ve wanted it so badly for ages.  So far, I think it’s a great game.  I’ll be hyperactive in multiplayer and obsessing over it for quite a while, I imagine.  I also bought a stack of games when Steam had them cheap so I’m going to have to update my games list again.  Starcraft 2 comes soon too, YAAYYY! >.<

Today has been an awesome day though, seriously.  This morning I had a bunch of orchids (one of my favourite flowers, aah!) delivered to my door with the sweetest note from the man I refer to as my ‘Perth husband’, also known as Snags.  We clicked when we first met in person here in Brisbane and, now that I’m single again, things have continued to progress.  You may have noticed a change in my attitude recently and it’s purely because I’m hopeful and happy again and, like my close friends, he brings out the best in me.  I cannot wait to join my Perth friends in their home city for satay party times. (Note: ‘Satay’ as an adjective is not my word. It belongs to Snags, but I’ma use it anyway!)

<3 DarkSlinky.

The other night I dreamt about one of the life-threatening situations from my childhood in full detail.  It wasn’t like my usual nightmares; I’d say it was more like reliving a traumatic memory.  I find the two affect me differently.  Nightmares freak me out while reliving memories makes me think, “Oh, yes, I remember that.”  Coincidentally, the day after the dream I was in another life-threatening situation (if that’s what you want to call it, anyway).  It’s not as exciting as it sounds, but interesting-ish nonetheless.

Someone ran a red light and nearly t-boned the passenger side of my car doing 60 – 70km/hr, maybe more.  I had 3 friends in the car and they all saw it, he only missed us by a metre or two.  We were mid-conversation when we all realised what had happened, and how close we came to being in a very serious and potentially deadly car accident.  At first we laughed and then I was in absolute shock as I realised just how important my job is as the driver of the vehicle.  Driving responsibly is important, but it’s far more important to be able to make split second decisions and react when someone else does something stupid.

Speaking of split-second decisions, I got a puppy last week on the same day that I had to see my ex-ex-boyfriend.  It was like being stabbed with delicious candy.  It’s sweetly satisfying coupled with a dull kind of stinging, also slightly humorous and exceedingly amusing (does this make any sense whatsoever?).   I had to drop stuff off to my ex, so after a civilised conversation on MSN I decided to stop at his house on the way to pick up my new puppy.

When I arrived at his house, my ex was in his bedroom playing games with his roommate (whose computer was near to where I was standing).  The roommate went into to my exes’ bedroom to let him know I had arrived and, little did either of them know, my exes’ microphone was on and I could hear everything my ex said through his roommates’ computer.  It was something along the lines of, “Oh….. Crap.”  I don’t think they understood why I was laughing when they emerged.  Anyway, as I handed his stuff to him I noticed he was wearing a tight singlet and he proceeded to flex his muscles and deepen his voice to the point where I was finding it nearly impossible not to collapse on the floor in hysterical laughter.  There are a few ways in which I could describe it but they’re not exactly nice (“Bulbous toothpick” comes to mind) and we all know how mature I am….. Hahahahaha.

I then went to pick up my puppy feeling highly amused and much less like I had just been stabbed.  Her name is Gracie; she’s a 3-month-old, pure-bred Chihuahua and is already bigger than my 13-year-old Marsypan.  They don’t get along a lot of the time because Gracie is young and playful and Mars is old and cranky, but it seems like they’re gradually getting used to each other.  There is much training to be done!

I have been working a lot and I have a cursed cold.  I’m very tired so it’s definitely time for me to crash.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Yeah, I’ve been drinking rum, eating chips and playing Starcraft 2 all night (What a life!).  I’m in a pretty crazy mood right now.

Anyway, the point is, I started work today.  It seems okay.

Seriously, why do people ask how work was?  What am I supposed to say when they ask me?  It’s not fantastic, I mean, I could be at home playing games.  It’s not boring either; I’m always busy doing something.  It’s work, it’s worky, that’s all there is to it, right?

I’ve had exes who would whinge when I didn’t ask them how work was, and now that I’m working I realise it was all an attention-seeking façade (Does that even make sense? I wanted to use a fancy word).  I didn’t complain when they didn’t ask me how university was; if I had something to say about it, I’d say it! </rant> Mind you, I still ask friends how work is going.  They (the males in particular) seem to like the attention, and I am interested to know.

I think part of the reason I’m in a crazy mood is because I haven’t slept properly for about a week now, or even longer.  I can’t really remember.  It’s pretty less-than-average.  If I’m lucky I’ll fall asleep around 2am or 3am and wake up at 6am.  I wouldn’t usually mind so much, except now when I do sleep, I dream vivid, messed-up nightmares.  Even if I take something to help me sleep, which I rarely do, it just means my nightmares are going to last longer and probably be more traumatic.

I’m pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me something.  I would write about these nightmares except some of them are kind of personal.  I might. I don’t know.  I’ll see.  Some of them would make for an interesting read, if it was written well (in my opinion anyway).

Maybe that’s what I could do – take my nightmares as inspiration for BOOKS.  Could I really be a novelist?  I get distracted by the littlest things…

Speaking of inspiration, I’m interested in someone (While proofreading this, I realised how perfect my timing was. “Distraction.. OH SHINEY!”).  Over the past few months I’ve met many men, got asked on many dates, even went on a few, but I think I’m pretty set on this one guy.  He seems really random, affectionate, interesting, down-to-earth and out of this world at the same time, just like me!

I’m not giving away too many details yet.  I intend to get to know this guy and see if we’re compatible as a couple before I consider a relationship with him.  I won’t be making the same mistakes again.

Ah, so many lessons learnt over the past few years.

I feel I am becoming a woman.

<3 DarkSlinky.

As a side note, PT nights have formed some of my most treasured memories because they were so insanely fun.  Back in the day the teachers used to lock the children in a classroom separate from, but near to, the adults.  We were given activities to keep us amused in order to give the parents and teachers some peace, but we’d all just climb out the window and run amuck in the playground with torches.

So in the dream my friends and I were adults but we were running around with torches like the primary school children, having the time of our lives.  The playground was just how I remember it being at night; very dark, cold and eerie in a thrilling kind of way, especially with people running around everywhere.

At one point my ex-boyfriend, Liam, turned up and started trying to flirt with me.  He was very short and fat and had curly, blonde hair.  My heart was racing and I felt unnerved, but I played along with it and eventually he left.

I ran into a particular area of the school known as “The Forest,” because it was full of trees, and my friend Emma was in there with a make-up box.  I asked her if I could use it to make myself prettier, and she agreed before running off to join the mayhem that surrounded us.  I spent about 10 minutes making one of my eyes look gorgeous using different colours and paintbrushes.  I then, for some reason, decided to leave my other eye plain.  I think I was getting bored and I wanted to join in the fun again.

After a while I came across my ex-boyfriend again, still short and fat, and I was glad because this time one of my eyes was so pretty and worth admiring.  He was behaving like a complete jerk; ignoring me and making rude remarks, so I left feeling confused and hurt.

I found myself standing alone on “The Oval,” which was where a fireworks explosion that stole the life of a young girl had taken place many years ago.  I felt saddened as I remembered that horrific night before I noticed my friends Nicki, Emma and Lynnette were standing on a hill nearby.  I went to join them and after a while of talking they went across the oval and I turned and headed towards the street, where a big red bus was waiting for me.

I got in the bus and the driver was the same bus driver we had on a school camp years ago.  His name was Garfield and he was awesome.  Without warning he started driving the bus as though we were being chased, or like a regular bus driver in Hong Kong or China.

Then I woke up.

I’m feeling very sleepy at the moment, but it’s been about a week and a half since I left Gavin and I’ve just realised the numbness I’ve felt for the past few months has started to fade.

I’ve started to really enjoy every day, simply spending time with friends and getting up to mischief.  Despite my parents being quite negative towards me lately, I feel very hopeful about the future.  I know the next few weeks are going to be really memorable with the opening of the Mana Bar this Saturday.

I feel motivated to find a job and get my house organised again.  I don’t feel so motivated to look into university but I think that’s mainly because my parents are discouraging me to enrol in the course I’m interested in, which is a Bachelor of Education.  My sister decided to tell them teachers have the highest suicide rate of anyone and I think my parents have freaked out.  I think they’re underestimating me though.  Teaching is something I’m passionate about and my background in Psychology would definitely come in handy.

Dad:  “Do you really want to be a teacher? I reckon it’d be a horrible job, dealing with kids these days… :\”
Me:  “Someone has got to do it. ”

I expect some days I’ll still feel down and unmotivated, but I’m so happy to be ‘feeling’ again; everything from happiness, sadness, anger, pain, hope, motivation, jealousy, amusement… the list goes on and on and it’s all great. (I just thought I’d list the emotions I’ve felt recently, quite random..)

<3 to all my friends who stuck by me despite my whinging over the past few weeks… Haha.

Time to pick up again.

I’ve also been enjoying getting to know my Team Fortress 2 clan, Pants Party, better.  Alex and I met another Brisbane member a few weeks ago.  In the coming weeks I’ll hopefully get to meet the rest of the Brisbane Pants Party guys as well as the few members who are flying in to Brisbane from various places in April.  It’s going to be so epic! >:3

I’ve realised the music I listen to definitely reflects the way I’m feeling.  The past few months I’ve been listening to Slipknot, Evanescence and System of a Down quite obsessively, but now I’m obsessed with Pendulum.  Check it ouuut:  Pendulum – The other side.

Lovelovelovelove!

<3 DarkSlinky.

I’m single again; there’s no easy way to put it.

I haven’t updated my blog lately because, quite simply, I haven’t had the energy.  I’ve been emotionally exhausted and I seem to have lost all motivation to function like a ‘normal’ human (what is normal, anyway..?).  I wake up, usually in the afternoons, feeling lethargic and find it difficult to get out of bed.  My body or brain or whatever is switching between nights full of nightmares and sleepless nights, which I find quite exhausting.

My family have told me they’re worried about me.  I seem to be showing a lot of symptoms of depression, even though I don’t really feel anything; not pain, happiness, sadness, hope… just nothing I guess.

Well my break-up happened today so right now I’m definitely feeling pain and sadness, but that can be expected, I guess.  Once again, I just have to endure and wait for time to heal the wounds, experience the pain for what it is and learn from my mistakes.

What happened, though?

In the beginning it was all so magical and surreal; I had this wonderful man back in my life and we got on like a house on fire.  We were both swept up in the romance of the moment and before we developed even a friendship, we had dived into a serious relationship.

In hindsight, it was far too soon after my previous relationship.  After 4 or 5 months the initial puppy love died away and what was left was a lot of conflicting morals and values, which ultimately resulted in distrust, defensiveness and miscommunication.

We certainly had some wonderful times together; memories I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I guess its things like that that make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I mean, we made the decision to break up together, but ultimately I feel like it was my decision, because whether he agreed with me or not, that’s what I would have decided to do.  I just have to remind myself of my own, personal reasons for the decision I made.

My family are going to criticise me for letting him go.  Apparently I should have done anything to make him happy, even sacrifice my own happiness, because he ‘provides’ for me.  I’m not even kidding.  Aren’t my family supposed to tell me to do whatever makes me happy..?  Apparently it’s all apart of ‘growing up,’ which I’ve already decided I’m not going to do… so whatever, haha.

Anyway, we ended the relationship mostly on good terms.  We’re hoping a friendship will now have the chance to develop; and who knows what the future holds.  I don’t regret anything.

I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is not to rush into anything.  Take the time to get to know each other and make sure you’re confident a more serious relationship will work.  If the person who’s interested in you is genuinely interested, they’ll give you the time and space you need.  Also, do whatever makes you happy.  You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.  If in 10 years time you look back on today, will you be happy with the decision you’ve made…?

Haha, my blogs must all seem so negative at the moment.  I don’t see why people would want to read it exactly.  I guess looking back over my blog it’s interesting to see where life has taken me since I started writing.  People tell me they like the raw emotion and honesty in my blog.  I guess I just like to share my experiences for the benefit of… well, anyone.

Gavin:  “How are you going to deal with the horde of guys who will chase you again?”
Me:  “Combat shotgun, Molotov… I’ll be fine.”

The geek in me shall always prevail.

Speaking of which, I went to see the optometrist and discovered that I’m short-sighted.  The optometrist said I don’t exactly need glasses but they would help in my daily life, and she showed me the world as I see it compared to how I would see it through glasses.  I was honestly surprised at the difference, so I spoke to my parents and I got my first pair of glasses.

Four-eyes!

That afternoon Gavin took me to a few nice little spots so I could admire the view more clearly.  Just another of those memories I’ll cherish.

I really should sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.

<3 DarkSlinky.

So the story begins with a message I received on Saturday from my ex-boyfriend asking if he could pick up the fishing gear he left behind.  I replied saying no, because I was out and wouldn’t be home until the following day.  He asked if I could have it ready Monday, I replied saying no because I’m flat out all week and that I would get everything ready in the following week and contact him then.  He replied telling me that he needed it this week, and to stop being ‘difficult’ and ‘ridiculous’, clearly not realising it’s his fault he failed to contact me earlier, and not mine.

Something you have to understand is that my ex has always had his way growing up, so if he doesn’t get his way he’ll stomp his foot and whinge and whine until he’s satisfied.

I wouldn’t back down.  I continued to say that I simply didn’t have time and he would have to wait. He wouldn’t back down either, so I began to ignore his messages, which gradually became more frequent and abusive.  I was telling the honest truth, too, about being busy all week.  Friday night I was in the city, Saturday I was with family, Saturday night I was at Gavin’s and Sunday I spent the day with Monique and Eevari. I was then meant to be Nanna-sitting full time from Monday to Thursday and then going away with Mum and Dad this Friday to visit family in Bundaberg.

He’s lucky my Nanna told my Mother she didn’t trust me to take care of her and my Mother decided on Sunday to ask one of her friends to stay at our house for the week (another story for me to tell!), because if she hadn’t then I certainly wouldn’t have had the time to be organising things he left behind.  He’s also lucky Gavin was around and knew what to look for.  Gavin found his fishing rods and got them out for me and on Monday I took them to my ex’s friends’ house because I certainly didn’t want him coming to my house after the abusive messages he had been sending me.

This wasn’t the end of the drama, though.  I received a message on Monday afternoon asking if that was it and where was the rest of the stuff, specifically, a tackle box.  I replied saying there was nothing else here, but of course, instead of listening to reason he immediately assumed I was just out for revenge or something.  By this point he had been harassing me from Saturday to Monday and I was really starting to get ticked off.  I called him on Tuesday.

Jayne:  “You must have taken it with you.”
Ex:  “I didn’t take it.”
Jayne:  “Well it’s not here.”
Ex:  “Then where is it??”
Jayne:  “How would I know?  Maybe you left it at your brothers.”
Ex:  “Pretty sure I’d know if I left it there.”

At this point he starts hurling fowl language at me.

Jayne:  “DON’T you speak to me that way!”
Ex:  <Silence, obviously taken aback>
Jayne:  “Come and see for yourself, it’s not here.”
Ex:  “I will then!”
Jayne:  “When can you be here?”
Ex:  “Tomorrow at 5.30, after work.”
Jayne:  “I’ll let you know if I’m free.”
Ex:  <Scowls and hangs up>

I let Gavin know what was going on and he told me he didn’t want me to be here alone with my ex,  so he and his friend would make sure they were here with me.  Having them here made the whole experience a lot easier.  I was really concerned and nervous about the whole thing so having people here to distract me and calm me down was very comforting.

So, this afternoon the three of us set up our computers so we could play the recently released Left 4 Dead 2 while we waited for my ex to arrive. As you know, my internet is speed capped and Gavin’s friend was getting bored while we waited for all of our accounts to sign in, so he decided to fish through the desk he was sitting at.  What should he find but a small, green tackle box.  We all stared, shocked.  After so much drama and so many messages and, on my part, tears, an overly curious friend just happens to stumble across the item at the centre of the drama.  How could it be?

Gavin’s friend sat where he could keep an eye out for my ex, who arrived soon after 5.30pm.  Just so you know, Gavin has a very deep voice.

Ex:  <Knocks on door>
Friend:  “You have a visitor.”
Gavin:  “Come in.”
Ex:  <Hesitates and looks concerned before entering>
Gavin:  “Is this what you were looking for?” (The small, green tackle box).
Ex:  “That’s mine, but the one I’m looking for is bigger.”
Gavin:  “Okay.”

So Gavin politely took my ex outside and helped him look for his bigger tackle box.  I’m so unbelievably happy with the way Gavin handled the situation.    Here he was, faced with his girlfriends’ bitter ex-boyfriend of 4 years and he remained cool and level-headed as well as assertive and protective.  I’m very proud to be able to call him my man.

Gavin’s friend stayed inside with me to keep me company, but I couldn’t stand knowing my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend were alone together so I went outside too.  My ex made a point of pretending I didn’t even exist, something I expected.  Gavin tells me my ex scowled and swore and sulked while he looked and eventually gave up, saying “I’ve got to get out of here,” before storming off to his car and forgetting the rest of his things in the process.  I ran them out to him, because I am NICE!  Haha.

The impression I got is that he doesn’t have a shred of a soul or the warmth of life left in him.  He’s merely a robot in a cold and purposeless existence, trying to act like a big tough guy by deepening his voice and swearing, but he’s really not fooling anyone but himself.  For those who don’t know, a few years ago he was a conservative Christian, the kind that’s polite and doesn’t use offensive language or you know… smoke or get drunk or anything.  I never thought he would be this way but one thing that’s certain in life is that people will disappoint you.

A part of me is glad that Gavin has had the opportunity to see what I had to put up with for all those years.  Now he can understand why I’m having a difficult time trusting him fully.

Story over!

Yes, my Nanna told my Mother she doesn’t trust me to take care of her.  I’m very hurt and offended, to be honest, but there’s not much anyone can do considering she’s an 89 year old woman.  I don’t know why she thinks I wouldn’t take care of her and it makes me wonder if my family thinks I wouldn’t be able to either.  I’m not sure how to approach or deal with this sort of situation.  It’s possible that she’s just trying to be difficult because she doesn’t want my parents to go away without her.  I know it sounds awful but it’s definitely a possibility.  I haven’t given her any reason not to trust me so it would make sense.  I guess I just have to accept it and move on.

A few other things I realised I’ve failed to mention are firstly, that I got my hair cut a number of weeks ago.  I didn’t get it cut short but I had about 10cm – 12cm taken off and it’s certainly made a difference to how easy my hair is to maintain, haha.  It doesn’t get knotty so easily now, thank goodness.

The other thing I failed to mention is just how romantic Friday night was!

Gavin received an invite +1 to his friends’ dress-up birthday party and asked me if I would like to go with him.  The party was being hosted at a hotel where another friend works so we managed to get a room there ridiculously cheap.  It was a 4 and a half star hotel so it was really fancy.  I dressed up as  a pirate wench and Gavin dressed up as an Egyptian trader.  Such an odd couple.  Next time we get invited to a dress-up party we’re so going as Tarzan and Jane.

Anyway, when everyone had arrived in the hotel lobby we all went up to the entertainment room where the party was being held.  Gavin and I walked in together and the first thing I saw was the view; oh it was breath-taking!  Out of four walls, three of the walls were floor-length windows displaying a stunning panoramic view of Brisbane city.  I spent the entire night admiring the beauty of the city and reflecting on how lucky I am that such a difficult time in my life has resulted in opportunities such as this.

Also, like I said earlier, I’m going to Bundaberg for the weekend with my parents to visit family.  It should be good to get away for a few days, it won’t be particularly exciting.  I’m really hoping to go down to Tweed Heads for a weekend soon as well.

I officially reached 1,500 words.  I think this is my longest post, haha!

Sorry for rambling but ah, well, what are you going to do??

Sweet dreams world!

<3 DarkSlinky.

Okay.  The most bizarre thing just happened.  I just started chatting to an old friend I haven’t spoken to in over a year while I write my blog and I was telling her about Gavin and about how now I find myself experiencing a happiness I haven’t felt in years.  Just as I started telling her about what he does for a living a song started playing on iTunes; a song Gavin sent me five years ago when we were close like we are now.  I would link it except I’m still speed capped so it’d take me forever to find.   It’s a well known song; I imagine most people would know it.  Phil Collins – You’ll be in my heart.  Anyway, I couldn’t help but cry with happiness when I heard it.  The lyrics mean more to me now than they did all those years ago.  I’m someone who believes there are no coincidences.  I felt overwhelmed with emotion because out of the thousands of songs in my iTunes list, it was this song that started to play in that moment, after so many years of hardship.  My friend said to me, “Do you think it means anything?”  I’m being a little bit corny, aren’t I? I can’t help it! Haha!

My relationship with Gavin is blossoming into something that’s truly special.  My mother tells me every day how she can see I’m actually living my life now and she’s happy that I’ve moved on to someone better.  My family and friends all love him and they can see quite clearly that while he’s taking care of me, he’s not letting me get away with being lazy.  He tells me every day that he adores me, that I’m wonderful, brilliant, amazing, and all these things that I haven’t heard in all too long.  I honestly don’t know what he sees in me.  I find myself thinking he deserves someone better, but at the same time I’m thankful he’s with me.  With each passing day I realise more and more just what an incredible person Gavin is, and I’m not saying it to be a suck-up!  I was outside today eyeing my dog when in my heart I had this overwhelming sense of warmth, appreciation, comfort, completeness, serenity, peace… the list goes on.

I made an interesting observation today as well, that is that my ex’s friends have happily kept contact with me since our break-up, I assume because they enjoy my company and think I’m a good person while none of my friends hesitated to sever contact with my ex after he left.  Does that say something to you?  Haha.  Made me laugh because he’s been trying to bother me lately and it’s not working, thanks to Gavin and a few of his friends who I now consider to be my friends as well.

I guess there’s a lot I could say but really the point is, is that I’m over him.  It seemed impossible to move on at the time but it really wasn’t hard to do when it came down to it.  It’s not hard to understand why when you look at my quality of life now compared to then.  I was waiting to die, as my mother says, and now I’m living.  I was unhappy, and now I’m happy. It’s as simple as that.   He became something I could never love, and while I’ll cherish the happy memories we shared, I’m definitely going to learn from the bad ones.

Trust your friends.  They love you, they care about you and most of the time they know what’s good for you.  I know it’s hard and looking back I believe I did the right thing by enduring my relationship with him despite the fact things were bad, so I don’t mind when my friends say to me, “We told you so!” because they did and I chose to listen but to go in a different direction.

As a side note:  Monique and I were playing Snooker today and we ended up tying for 85!  Apparently it’s a rare occurance.  We’re both very pleased with ourselves, haha.

I just can’t put into words how relieved I am, how free I feel.

Thank you to my friends, I love you all.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I haven’t been doing anything interesting lately anyway.  When my ex left me my sleeping patterns went haywire and I didn’t do housework for weeks and weeks.  The place was nasty, but I’ve really put myself into gear this past week.  I’ve got my resume nearly ready to go, all of my chores are up to date (dishes, washing, vacuuming, etc.) and for the first time in a year or more I feel as though I’m really in control of my life.  I’ve found it really interesting to reflect on my own thoughts and behaviours over the last year.

Towards the end of last year to the beginning of this year, my ex’s parents were getting divorced and selling their house.   He had nowhere to go so he moved in with me, despite him and his mother not really wanting him to.  I wanted him to; I was excited that we would get to live together after so many years in a relationship.  However, the whole situation became awkward and a lot of tensions arose.

To be honest, I was really quite depressed.  I would cry for no particular reason and get sick often.  I felt as though life was simply too much to bear and I wanted to put it on hold and curl up in a ball by myself for a few months.  As a result, I became unmotivated and began to fall behind at university, which increased the pressure on me… etcetera.

I feel ashamed of doing badly at university this year, mostly because I know I could do better.  After reflecting on the whole situation I honestly think that it wasn’t my fault.  I went through a difficult time and obviously couldn’t cope.  I just wonder sometimes if I’m just trying to justify it, to make excuses.  I did reach out for help but it fell through.  I’m glad I was able to sort things out myself, though.  I’m really quite proud of myself.

I believe deferring my university course for six months was the right thing to do.  It’s given me the chance to really figure things out.  I think a lot of people think I’m irresponsible for not having a job but this is what I needed so that I could figure myself out and really get into gear.  Afterall, there’s no point being in gear if you don’t want to accelerate.

At the moment I’m quite stressed about a few personal things… my health mostly, and a few issues with friends.  I won’t go into details right now because it’s late and I have to be up early.

Gavin stayed with me for the weekend, from Friday to today.  It’s really nice to have a man around the house again; someone to deal with the bugs and give me kisses and cuddles while waiting for Borderlands to load.

Ah, yes, Borderlands was released last week.  Well, eventually anyway.  Firstly the release date was 3 days early and then they realised they had released the wrong version in Australia.  Typical. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m looking forward to the future, anyway.  Things like having a clean house, nice hair-cut, new games, new clothes, new boyfriend, new friends, a job and the motivation to do really well at university next year.  Yes, hopefully things continue along this path. =)

I just realised my ramblings don’t really make a whole lot of sense.  I’m really quite tired.  I hope the points I’m trying to convey aren’t too hard to figure out… not that there’s really any point.  I’m mostly trying to reflect on the past to benefit the future.  If that makes sense?

Yeah, I need to sleep. Haha.

<3 DarkSlinky.