DarkSlinky

Posts Tagged ‘Ex-boyfriend’

It’s definitely time to update.

I’m single again; there’s no easy way to put it.

I haven’t updated my blog lately because, quite simply, I haven’t had the energy.  I’ve been emotionally exhausted and I seem to have lost all motivation to function like a ‘normal’ human (what is normal, anyway..?).  I wake up, usually in the afternoons, feeling lethargic and find it difficult to get out of bed.  My body or brain or whatever is switching between nights full of nightmares and sleepless nights, which I find quite exhausting.

My family have told me they’re worried about me.  I seem to be showing a lot of symptoms of depression, even though I don’t really feel anything; not pain, happiness, sadness, hope… just nothing I guess.

Well my break-up happened today so right now I’m definitely feeling pain and sadness, but that can be expected, I guess.  Once again, I just have to endure and wait for time to heal the wounds, experience the pain for what it is and learn from my mistakes.

What happened, though?

In the beginning it was all so magical and surreal; I had this wonderful man back in my life and we got on like a house on fire.  We were both swept up in the romance of the moment and before we developed even a friendship, we had dived into a serious relationship.

In hindsight, it was far too soon after my previous relationship.  After 4 or 5 months the initial puppy love died away and what was left was a lot of conflicting morals and values, which ultimately resulted in distrust, defensiveness and miscommunication.

We certainly had some wonderful times together; memories I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I guess its things like that that make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I mean, we made the decision to break up together, but ultimately I feel like it was my decision, because whether he agreed with me or not, that’s what I would have decided to do.  I just have to remind myself of my own, personal reasons for the decision I made.

My family are going to criticise me for letting him go.  Apparently I should have done anything to make him happy, even sacrifice my own happiness, because he ‘provides’ for me.  I’m not even kidding.  Aren’t my family supposed to tell me to do whatever makes me happy..?  Apparently it’s all apart of ‘growing up,’ which I’ve already decided I’m not going to do… so whatever, haha.

Anyway, we ended the relationship mostly on good terms.  We’re hoping a friendship will now have the chance to develop; and who knows what the future holds.  I don’t regret anything.

I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is not to rush into anything.  Take the time to get to know each other and make sure you’re confident a more serious relationship will work.  If the person who’s interested in you is genuinely interested, they’ll give you the time and space you need.  Also, do whatever makes you happy.  You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.  If in 10 years time you look back on today, will you be happy with the decision you’ve made…?

Haha, my blogs must all seem so negative at the moment.  I don’t see why people would want to read it exactly.  I guess looking back over my blog it’s interesting to see where life has taken me since I started writing.  People tell me they like the raw emotion and honesty in my blog.  I guess I just like to share my experiences for the benefit of… well, anyone.

Gavin:  “How are you going to deal with the horde of guys who will chase you again?”
Me:  “Combat shotgun, Molotov… I’ll be fine.”

The geek in me shall always prevail.

Speaking of which, I went to see the optometrist and discovered that I’m short-sighted.  The optometrist said I don’t exactly need glasses but they would help in my daily life, and she showed me the world as I see it compared to how I would see it through glasses.  I was honestly surprised at the difference, so I spoke to my parents and I got my first pair of glasses.

Four-eyes!

That afternoon Gavin took me to a few nice little spots so I could admire the view more clearly.  Just another of those memories I’ll cherish.

I really should sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I think my ex will stop bothering me after today, thank goodness.

So the story begins with a message I received on Saturday from my ex-boyfriend asking if he could pick up the fishing gear he left behind.  I replied saying no, because I was out and wouldn’t be home until the following day.  He asked if I could have it ready Monday, I replied saying no because I’m flat out all week and that I would get everything ready in the following week and contact him then.  He replied telling me that he needed it this week, and to stop being ‘difficult’ and ‘ridiculous’, clearly not realising it’s his fault he failed to contact me earlier, and not mine.

Something you have to understand is that my ex has always had his way growing up, so if he doesn’t get his way he’ll stomp his foot and whinge and whine until he’s satisfied.

I wouldn’t back down.  I continued to say that I simply didn’t have time and he would have to wait. He wouldn’t back down either, so I began to ignore his messages, which gradually became more frequent and abusive.  I was telling the honest truth, too, about being busy all week.  Friday night I was in the city, Saturday I was with family, Saturday night I was at Gavin’s and Sunday I spent the day with Monique and Eevari. I was then meant to be Nanna-sitting full time from Monday to Thursday and then going away with Mum and Dad this Friday to visit family in Bundaberg.

He’s lucky my Nanna told my Mother she didn’t trust me to take care of her and my Mother decided on Sunday to ask one of her friends to stay at our house for the week (another story for me to tell!), because if she hadn’t then I certainly wouldn’t have had the time to be organising things he left behind.  He’s also lucky Gavin was around and knew what to look for.  Gavin found his fishing rods and got them out for me and on Monday I took them to my ex’s friends’ house because I certainly didn’t want him coming to my house after the abusive messages he had been sending me.

This wasn’t the end of the drama, though.  I received a message on Monday afternoon asking if that was it and where was the rest of the stuff, specifically, a tackle box.  I replied saying there was nothing else here, but of course, instead of listening to reason he immediately assumed I was just out for revenge or something.  By this point he had been harassing me from Saturday to Monday and I was really starting to get ticked off.  I called him on Tuesday.

Jayne:  “You must have taken it with you.”
Ex:  “I didn’t take it.”
Jayne:  “Well it’s not here.”
Ex:  “Then where is it??”
Jayne:  “How would I know?  Maybe you left it at your brothers.”
Ex:  “Pretty sure I’d know if I left it there.”

At this point he starts hurling fowl language at me.

Jayne:  “DON’T you speak to me that way!”
Ex:  <Silence, obviously taken aback>
Jayne:  “Come and see for yourself, it’s not here.”
Ex:  “I will then!”
Jayne:  “When can you be here?”
Ex:  “Tomorrow at 5.30, after work.”
Jayne:  “I’ll let you know if I’m free.”
Ex:  <Scowls and hangs up>

I let Gavin know what was going on and he told me he didn’t want me to be here alone with my ex,  so he and his friend would make sure they were here with me.  Having them here made the whole experience a lot easier.  I was really concerned and nervous about the whole thing so having people here to distract me and calm me down was very comforting.

So, this afternoon the three of us set up our computers so we could play the recently released Left 4 Dead 2 while we waited for my ex to arrive. As you know, my internet is speed capped and Gavin’s friend was getting bored while we waited for all of our accounts to sign in, so he decided to fish through the desk he was sitting at.  What should he find but a small, green tackle box.  We all stared, shocked.  After so much drama and so many messages and, on my part, tears, an overly curious friend just happens to stumble across the item at the centre of the drama.  How could it be?

Gavin’s friend sat where he could keep an eye out for my ex, who arrived soon after 5.30pm.  Just so you know, Gavin has a very deep voice.

Ex:  <Knocks on door>
Friend:  “You have a visitor.”
Gavin:  “Come in.”
Ex:  <Hesitates and looks concerned before entering>
Gavin:  “Is this what you were looking for?” (The small, green tackle box).
Ex:  “That’s mine, but the one I’m looking for is bigger.”
Gavin:  “Okay.”

So Gavin politely took my ex outside and helped him look for his bigger tackle box.  I’m so unbelievably happy with the way Gavin handled the situation.    Here he was, faced with his girlfriends’ bitter ex-boyfriend of 4 years and he remained cool and level-headed as well as assertive and protective.  I’m very proud to be able to call him my man.

Gavin’s friend stayed inside with me to keep me company, but I couldn’t stand knowing my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend were alone together so I went outside too.  My ex made a point of pretending I didn’t even exist, something I expected.  Gavin tells me my ex scowled and swore and sulked while he looked and eventually gave up, saying “I’ve got to get out of here,” before storming off to his car and forgetting the rest of his things in the process.  I ran them out to him, because I am NICE!  Haha.

The impression I got is that he doesn’t have a shred of a soul or the warmth of life left in him.  He’s merely a robot in a cold and purposeless existence, trying to act like a big tough guy by deepening his voice and swearing, but he’s really not fooling anyone but himself.  For those who don’t know, a few years ago he was a conservative Christian, the kind that’s polite and doesn’t use offensive language or you know… smoke or get drunk or anything.  I never thought he would be this way but one thing that’s certain in life is that people will disappoint you.

A part of me is glad that Gavin has had the opportunity to see what I had to put up with for all those years.  Now he can understand why I’m having a difficult time trusting him fully.

Story over!

Yes, my Nanna told my Mother she doesn’t trust me to take care of her.  I’m very hurt and offended, to be honest, but there’s not much anyone can do considering she’s an 89 year old woman.  I don’t know why she thinks I wouldn’t take care of her and it makes me wonder if my family thinks I wouldn’t be able to either.  I’m not sure how to approach or deal with this sort of situation.  It’s possible that she’s just trying to be difficult because she doesn’t want my parents to go away without her.  I know it sounds awful but it’s definitely a possibility.  I haven’t given her any reason not to trust me so it would make sense.  I guess I just have to accept it and move on.

A few other things I realised I’ve failed to mention are firstly, that I got my hair cut a number of weeks ago.  I didn’t get it cut short but I had about 10cm – 12cm taken off and it’s certainly made a difference to how easy my hair is to maintain, haha.  It doesn’t get knotty so easily now, thank goodness.

The other thing I failed to mention is just how romantic Friday night was!

Gavin received an invite +1 to his friends’ dress-up birthday party and asked me if I would like to go with him.  The party was being hosted at a hotel where another friend works so we managed to get a room there ridiculously cheap.  It was a 4 and a half star hotel so it was really fancy.  I dressed up as  a pirate wench and Gavin dressed up as an Egyptian trader.  Such an odd couple.  Next time we get invited to a dress-up party we’re so going as Tarzan and Jane.

Anyway, when everyone had arrived in the hotel lobby we all went up to the entertainment room where the party was being held.  Gavin and I walked in together and the first thing I saw was the view; oh it was breath-taking!  Out of four walls, three of the walls were floor-length windows displaying a stunning panoramic view of Brisbane city.  I spent the entire night admiring the beauty of the city and reflecting on how lucky I am that such a difficult time in my life has resulted in opportunities such as this.

Also, like I said earlier, I’m going to Bundaberg for the weekend with my parents to visit family.  It should be good to get away for a few days, it won’t be particularly exciting.  I’m really hoping to go down to Tweed Heads for a weekend soon as well.

I officially reached 1,500 words.  I think this is my longest post, haha!

Sorry for rambling but ah, well, what are you going to do??

Sweet dreams world!

<3 DarkSlinky.

The first thing I’ll say is that I didn’t get my internet set up like I thought I would.  I was all prepared to organise the whole transferring process when I found out the things I wanted to do aren’t possible for various reasons.  I’ve since found out they may be possible because we have two phone lines so I’m looking into a few more options.  I won’t go into details because it’s boring and doesn’t matter anyway.

Okay.  The most bizarre thing just happened.  I just started chatting to an old friend I haven’t spoken to in over a year while I write my blog and I was telling her about Gavin and about how now I find myself experiencing a happiness I haven’t felt in years.  Just as I started telling her about what he does for a living a song started playing on iTunes; a song Gavin sent me five years ago when we were close like we are now.  I would link it except I’m still speed capped so it’d take me forever to find.   It’s a well known song; I imagine most people would know it.  Phil Collins – You’ll be in my heart.  Anyway, I couldn’t help but cry with happiness when I heard it.  The lyrics mean more to me now than they did all those years ago.  I’m someone who believes there are no coincidences.  I felt overwhelmed with emotion because out of the thousands of songs in my iTunes list, it was this song that started to play in that moment, after so many years of hardship.  My friend said to me, “Do you think it means anything?”  I’m being a little bit corny, aren’t I? I can’t help it! Haha!

My relationship with Gavin is blossoming into something that’s truly special.  My mother tells me every day how she can see I’m actually living my life now and she’s happy that I’ve moved on to someone better.  My family and friends all love him and they can see quite clearly that while he’s taking care of me, he’s not letting me get away with being lazy.  He tells me every day that he adores me, that I’m wonderful, brilliant, amazing, and all these things that I haven’t heard in all too long.  I honestly don’t know what he sees in me.  I find myself thinking he deserves someone better, but at the same time I’m thankful he’s with me.  With each passing day I realise more and more just what an incredible person Gavin is, and I’m not saying it to be a suck-up!  I was outside today eyeing my dog when in my heart I had this overwhelming sense of warmth, appreciation, comfort, completeness, serenity, peace… the list goes on.

I made an interesting observation today as well, that is that my ex’s friends have happily kept contact with me since our break-up, I assume because they enjoy my company and think I’m a good person while none of my friends hesitated to sever contact with my ex after he left.  Does that say something to you?  Haha.  Made me laugh because he’s been trying to bother me lately and it’s not working, thanks to Gavin and a few of his friends who I now consider to be my friends as well.

I guess there’s a lot I could say but really the point is, is that I’m over him.  It seemed impossible to move on at the time but it really wasn’t hard to do when it came down to it.  It’s not hard to understand why when you look at my quality of life now compared to then.  I was waiting to die, as my mother says, and now I’m living.  I was unhappy, and now I’m happy. It’s as simple as that.   He became something I could never love, and while I’ll cherish the happy memories we shared, I’m definitely going to learn from the bad ones.

Trust your friends.  They love you, they care about you and most of the time they know what’s good for you.  I know it’s hard and looking back I believe I did the right thing by enduring my relationship with him despite the fact things were bad, so I don’t mind when my friends say to me, “We told you so!” because they did and I chose to listen but to go in a different direction.

As a side note:  Monique and I were playing Snooker today and we ended up tying for 85!  Apparently it’s a rare occurance.  We’re both very pleased with ourselves, haha.

I just can’t put into words how relieved I am, how free I feel.

Thank you to my friends, I love you all.

<3 DarkSlinky.