DarkSlinky

Posts Tagged ‘Fraternity of Valour’

It has been nearly two weeks since I last updated.  First off; Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!  2009 was one hell of a year and I’m sure I’m not the only one who is more than willing to leave it in the past.

All that aside though, I think it’s about time to look to the future.

For Christmas I got a Celestron AstroMaster 130EQ MD Reflector Telescope and Viva la Juicy perfume from Gavin.  I was so overjoyed that I cried.  I’ve always been interested in astronomy and I love to sit outside and gaze at the stars, so owning a telescope is a big deal to me. I was in shock for a few days.  My family were all very impressed.  Last night was the first clear night we’ve had since Christmas so we were able to take it out for a spin.  I’m going to have to practise aiming it at stars, but we did manage to focus on the moon.  Happy!

I’ve had an immense amount of fun spending time with my boyfriend, my family and my friends over Christmas and New Years Eve.  Nicki and I have been in contact again which made me realise just how much I missed him.  I’m very thankful to have him back in my life.

New Years Eve was not only a blue moon, but there was also a Partial Lunar Eclipse at approximately 10:30pm my time (whatever time that is.. haha).  To mark the occasion I was planning to head down to a beachside park called Moora Park; the place where my ex had asked me out under a full moon back in 2005.  I wanted to be there to watch the moon rise so I could pay my respects to the passing of the second decade of my life.  It may seem a little silly but it was to be my final way to let go of the past and move on with my life.  I mean, four years out of the last decade were spent with him.

Anyway, I decided all of this was way too depressing and instead I invited my friends to get dressed up with me and go together to Moora Park to have photos taken with the blue moon as it rose over the ocean, because it’s always magnified when it’s low on the horizon.  Unfortunately there were clouds on the horizon and we didn’t see it rise, but we did get a stack of really beautiful photos.  I shall upload them at some point.  We didn’t get to see the lunar eclipse due to cloudy skies but we still had a good night.

I’ve been feeling much more free since then.  For the first time in my life my year ended better than it started.  Hopefully from here on in it will be more common.  It seems happiness is rare for me, probably about as rare as a Partial Lunar Eclipse over a blue moon on the eve of the end of a decade.  Turns out these do occur.

Despite all this fun and freedom though I’ve been feeling very stressed.  Now that January is upon us the pressure is on for me to decide what to do this year and I have no idea where to start.  I was so certain I wanted to go back and do psychology but I had a ‘revelation’ (I guess you could call it?) and realised it’s not for me.  Or is it?? I love studying cognition, behaviour and biology but the statistics, research reports and journal articles were really killing me.  Being a clinical psychologist or even a counsellor would drain you emotionally every day.

I’m considering going into the IT department.  This is mainly because I love computers; building them, learning about them, teaching people about them, helping people fix them, etc.

This year I will go back to university, defer for another 6 months or cancel altogether.  Either way there is pressure; pressure to study, pressure to work.  Gavin is the only one telling me I have time to find my place in this world.  Honestly, I hope my place is with him.  I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like him, but I swear I must be the luckiest woman on this puny little planet.

I have plans!  I want to re-activate my gaming clan, Fraternity of Valour.   I want to go to Perth to meet the boys from my other clan, Pants Party, and see my Aunty.  I want to go to New Zealand to spend time with Emma.  I feel the urge to fight hard for a job, seeing as my search has still been unsuccessful.  I want people to remember me as someone who does what she needs to do.

I need motivation. Raaaaaar! </wookie>

<3 DarkSlinky.

Wednesday was my brother’s birthday so Gavin and I decided to go to his house and spend some time with him, his wife and baby boy.  We played with the baby, had a few drinks together, ate pizza, talked, played random xbox 360 games and watched a movie.  I felt really bad when the night came to a close and my brother clearly wanted Gavin and I to stay the night or even just a little bit longer, but we had to go.  He seemed really sad, but I promised we’d go back on the holidays to spend more time with him.

Thursday I spent the day practising pool with Alex and shopping with Gavin… nothing exceptionally interesting from what I can remember.

Friday evening I went to another Christmas party with Gavin.  All the people there were 5 – 15 years older than me, but because I’m used to being around older people (my siblings) I didn’t feel out of place.  I lost count of how many glasses of champagne I had and I ended up making good friends with one lady, her name escapes me.  She started calling me ‘Little Sister’, hahah.  Oh, I had an absolute ball.

The partner of the lady who hosted the party is a chef and he cooked stacks of the most incredible food I’ve ever eaten.  Like, you know how you eat something delicious but after a while you sort of get over it?  It wasn’t like that with this food.  I couldn’t stop myself eating it.  Then there was dessert!  Far out…  I’ll never forget that food, ever.  You guys should be jealous!

So on Saturday I was pretty hung over, but I got up and went shopping with my mum.  We had lunch together and all that, it was nice spending time with her.

I got in contact with one of my friends from primary school (the beautiful Blair, affectionately known as Belairsan) and we decided to meet up again and hang out for a while.  We went down to the dam and had a really good chat about different issues and stuff…  We severed contact about a year or so ago because she and my ex didn’t get along, but now he’s gone and I realised how much I missed her.

She wanted to meet Gavin so he came over and we had dinner and went swimming and all that fun stuff.  They got along well which makes me really happy.  My ex never really got along with my friends and I always thought it would be nice to have someone who actually made an effort to make friends with my friends.

I’ve since told all of my friends to be open with me about what they think about my partners, rather than pretending to like them just for my sake.  I’ve learnt to be open with my friends about my relationships which, in my opinion, is of the utmost importance.  There should be no reason to hide if you’re upset over an argument you’ve had with your partner or whatever, and it’s good to have the support and advice of other people.  That way they can tell you if they think you’d be happier without that person, although sometimes I know it can be hard to listen when denial kicks in.

Saturday evening Gavin and I watched Seven Pounds.  I highly recommend it.  I found I could really relate to the main character; feelings of detachment from the world and the desire to go beyond all expectation to help people without repayment.  I don’t feel obligated or anything like that, nor do I expect recognition.  I just know what it feels like to feel helpless and alone and I don’t want other people to feel that way if I can do something to help prevent it.  Basically, I care.  A lot of people have told me things, especially recently, that they say they have never told anyone else before.  I have a great amount of respect for that and appreciation for the trust people put in me.

This promotion of Gavin’s, while making me exceptionally proud of him, has also made me feel… hmmm, I can’t think of the word.  I want people to be proud of me and my achievements like I see they’re proud of him, but the things I’m proud of for me are things that go unnoticed by the general population.  Like, rather than receiving a work related promotion, I might have a stranger open up to me and tell me about their darkest secrets and suicidal thoughts and I’ll help them through it, no matter what it takes.  It’s not something I can go and tell the world, but knowing I’ve made a world of difference to someone somewhere in the world is extraordinary.  I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives.  I’d like for people to remember me as a distant girl known as ‘DarkSlinky’ who guided them from the past to the future.

I went off on so many different tangents just then, in true SLINKY style!

Sunday and Monday were uneventful, although today Nicki replied to an e-mail I sent him.  It was only a few lines but I was overjoyed to hear from him.

Oh!  How could I forget?  Today was Gavin’s first day and, by some astronomically unlikely coincidence, he happens to be working with someone from my clan; Fraternity of Valour.  This is someone I haven’t met before, I completely forgot he lives in Brisbane and seriously, what are the odds that Gavin would just happen to notice he had a message on Facebook from someone in Fraternity of Valour?  I’m looking forward to meeting him.  I just can’t believe how small the world is sometimes.

Tomorrow Emma arrives in Australia. YAY!!  I am SO excited.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I had a wonderful time at Madonnas.  I would trust my sister with anything and we had some really good chats while sitting together with a cup of tea watching little Emily play.  She’s so gorgeous and I thoroughly enjoyed watching her grow every day.  I feel like I’ve come home with a clear head and a forward path.  I’m looking forward to going back sometime soon.  While I was there I got a 72cm hair wrap in my hair.  That’s approximately 19 metres of cotton.  We used 8 different colours, they were black, white, pink, purple, blue, blue-green, green and yellow.  It looks awesomely hippy. Photos soon!

Clear headed is good.  I’m letting the relationship I had with Liam go, but I’m not going to force my emotions in any particular direction.  Wherever they go naturally is good enough for me.  I trust that what is meant to be will be.  “If it is so” is a phrase I have been using a lot recently, along with the one you all know I’ve been using, which is “If you love it, let it go.”

I miss him every minute of every day, which is something that’s gradually changing as I adjust to him not being there.  The hardest thing is learning not to confide in him or offload my emotions and thoughts when we chat, because we’re still in contact.  The other thing that’s difficult is that I don’t how he feels or what he’s thinking.  Maybe one day we’ll have that bond again.

I realised I was being incredibly impatient; I was contacting him every day because it felt like that would make the process faster, but in fact, it was making it a lot slower.  You just have to chill out and let things form naturally.  He says I’ve been doing well, but I could be doing better, and I will be doing better.

I had a few more slaps from reality today; two more things I have to accept and move on from.  They are things that Liam and I were planning to do together these holidays that he’ll now do with friends.  They are golf and LAN.  At first I felt upset and overwhelmed, but I went along with my emotions and gradually felt like I could accept them.  My main comfort is that perhaps one day we’ll share these experiences together again.

Every time I see him sign in or anything my poor little heart skips a beat, out of both excitement and apprehension.  First, the excitement at seeing him there because I’ve missed him so much, and then apprehension knowing I have to restrain myself.  If his feelings have changed, there’s nothing I can do for us, but I get the feeling that deep down he still loves me like he did.  I have to remember not to cling to that though, quite a difficult task.

I’m feeling anxious about the 22nd, 26th and 28th of September next week.  The first would have been 51 months together, the second is Liam’s 20th birthday party and the third is his actual birthday.  I was invited to his birthday party and I’m not sure how he feels about me being there.  I don’t like to bombard him with questions like that.  I didn’t tell him how I was feeling either.  Any information he wants about the ‘behind the scenes’ of me he knows he can access here, on my blog.  We’ll see how it goes.

Hopefully these 3 dates pass as quickly and easily as possible.

It’s so hard to restrain myself, to let him be.  Even now I find myself wanting just to chat to him about general things.  I tell you what, though.  It’s incredible how my feelings for him have been re-awakened, how I have a whole new appreciation for him.  I wish I had done things differently, but I didn’t, and here we are.  Maybe he feels the same.  It’s a shame it took this to awaken these feelings but perhaps one day I will be able to let them grow, rather than feeling the need to smother them (I’m rambling like crazy, aren’t I?  I’m so tired).

The other thing that’s bugging me at the moment is that Left 4 Dead 2 may be banned in Australia.  I was annoyed when they decided Diablo 3 had to be censored in Australia, but this is getting truly ridiculous.  There are links about the whole thing but I’m far too tired to track them now.  You’ll just have to trust me.

One of my clan members from Fraternity of Valour had a Team Fortress 2 scrim with his other clan tonight and needed some members from Fraternity of Valour to fill in for his team.  It ended up being 6 v 6 game and 4 of the people on our team were FoV, haha.  We did incredibly well.  I got a screenshot of the final result but I’m nearly speed capped so I’ll post it here after the 20th of September.

Jeez, I wanted this to be a short blog and it’s come out at over 800 words!

This is the last thing I’ll say, I promise!  I’m completely obsessed with the new muse album.  Check out the songs I belong to you, resistance and undisclosed desires.

Time for a shower and bed.

<3 DarkSlinky.