I finally got hours at work this week.  I didn’t get any work for two weeks before I left for New Zealand and then I returned home to find they’ve hired a charming group of younger, cheaper employees.  I’m here to tell you that the amount you pay for your staff represents the quality of work you’ll get.

This week I’ve been called in numerous times to cover for staff who can’t fill their shift or just don’t bother showing up.  If you put reliable staff on to start with, you won’t have this problem.  If the same thing happens next week I’m going to look for another job to sustain me until I hopefully return to university next year.

I’m sick and I’m still going to cover for someone today.  Customers better be nice to me or heads will roll.  I have some feral sort of headcold – nothing bad, but enough to irritate me with the sneezing and body aches.

Snags’ computer has died, which in turn means my gaming life is dead.  It feels too cruel to sit here playing games in front of him while he slaves over his computers carcass.  Instead I half-sleep on the couch watching movies, occasionally patting his back in a supporting manner.  This can’t go on forever though, Pokémon Black and White comes out this week and I will allow it to eat my life.

Time to prepare for work… Happy, happy, joy, joy.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Well, kind of anyway.  You could say I’ve been away on ‘business’ in the vaguest possible way… (Can’t you tell I love being mysterious?)  The point is that I didn’t forget you guys I’m here now to write stuff about stuff like I used to do.

I’m still the same person, but at the same time, the person I was was a very different person to the person I was before that… If you know what I mean.  I still play games when I can, still have trouble sleeping, people still think I have an English or Canadian accent, but at the same time, I’m growing up quickly and when I look in the mirror now I feel like I’m looking at someone else.

Long story short; since my last post I arrived home from Perth followed closely by Snags who has now lived with me for a month or so.  I had 2 weeks off work for jury duty but I’m back at work again.  There are also a number of very personal and emotionally draining issues playing out that I can’t discuss for a number of reasons (yes, this is one reason I haven’t been around).  It’s been a seriously intense emotional rollercoaster.

On the one hand, I’ve never been happier or more at peace with another human being.  I realise it’s still early stages but he makes me look forward to every day where I get to see him, talk to him, hold him, kiss him…  He makes me feel special every day.  I consider myself to be very lucky to have the love and support of this man.  Living with him has been very helpful and it feels like it wouldn’t be right living somewhere without him.  (Having someone move in with me is another reason I haven’t been around – it’s a lot of work, you know!)

On the other hand I feel isolated and alone as I fight an internal battle that only I can fight, but I will struggle to the very end and beyond if that’s what is required.  Most days I think the emotional strain is so great that my brain shuts off to it in order to remain sane and I only feel numb and withdrawn.  Other days are overwhelming and exhausting, but the continued support of family and friends as well as lack of full-time work or university stress really do lessen the burden.

I had my first lucid dream yesterday morning.  It was terrifying.  I was curled up on Snags’ chest when it felt as though I was physically falling and I only realised that that’s what falling asleep feels like after I pulled out of it.  So I willed myself to ‘fall’ again.  It took a while but eventually I pulled it off and somehow I was able to keep my conscious mind awake while still falling in to a sleep deep enough to dream.  I knew I was dreaming and I could control my actions.  I dreamt I was a young girl and for some reason the room I was dreaming of terrified me.  I was afraid to look in a mirror I knew was to my left and when I noticed a young boy standing in front of me I had an overpowering urge to wake up.  I had difficulty doing so, which was scary, but I got there eventually.

I find it incredibly interesting but I’m kind of afraid to do it again because it felt so close to touching some really sensitive nerves, so to speak.

In case you’re wondering, jury duty wasn’t exciting.  I got called in twice, the first day I couldn’t go and the second day I was excused.  At least I know what it all involves now.

I realise I’m probably not making a whole lot of sense either.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s incredibly late at the moment.  I guess I should go try and get some sleep.

I’m still keen to vlog too….

<3 DarkSlinky.

Epic lol.  I kid, I kid!  I did take bits out of context, but you have to admit, it is a LOT more amusing that way, and possibly more truthful.  As the awesome Ray William Johnson would say, I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Nah, seriously, he wants you to know that, in regards to the blog entry entitled ‘Sweet Homicide‘, I interrupted his game, he wears singlets when he bums around the house and he was NOT flexing to impress me.  No, not at all.  Nuh uh.  Oh, and of course, his universe doesn’t revolve around me (universes don’t revolve at all, noob).  Well that I believe. I mean, it’s not like he still combs through my blog a year later to check what I’m up to or anything, and feels the urge to comment when I say something that may relate to him in some way, right?  …….. I lol.  Perhaps I’m not the one who should “grow up” and “get over themselves.” I mean, I never mentioned his name anywhere.  Is it just me, or is it a little arrogant to assume he’s my only ex?  I could have been talking about any of them. =)

All this is so trivial though, honestly.  These are the things that give me amusement, make me laugh.  People are funny things.  It gives me something entertaining to write about, so I’m certainly not complaining!

Speaking of people and the annoying things they do; I have a friend who recently got himself a girlfriend after 10 million years (so he implies, I think it was only about a year or two though) and has completely ditched me!  I do not believe it was because of the girl, I know her and I love her (perhaps a little TOO much…) but what the hell?  I would never have expected this from one of my close friends.  He’s away on a holiday so I haven’t spoken to him about it yet but I guess I will eventually.  I don’t think he reads my blog but if he does and if he knows it’s him I’m talking about, WHAT IS GOING ONNNN?!

In other news, one of my friends bought me Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 because I’ve wanted it so badly for ages.  So far, I think it’s a great game.  I’ll be hyperactive in multiplayer and obsessing over it for quite a while, I imagine.  I also bought a stack of games when Steam had them cheap so I’m going to have to update my games list again.  Starcraft 2 comes soon too, YAAYYY! >.<

Today has been an awesome day though, seriously.  This morning I had a bunch of orchids (one of my favourite flowers, aah!) delivered to my door with the sweetest note from the man I refer to as my ‘Perth husband’, also known as Snags.  We clicked when we first met in person here in Brisbane and, now that I’m single again, things have continued to progress.  You may have noticed a change in my attitude recently and it’s purely because I’m hopeful and happy again and, like my close friends, he brings out the best in me.  I cannot wait to join my Perth friends in their home city for satay party times. (Note: ‘Satay’ as an adjective is not my word. It belongs to Snags, but I’ma use it anyway!)

<3 DarkSlinky.

Yeah, I’ve been drinking rum, eating chips and playing Starcraft 2 all night (What a life!).  I’m in a pretty crazy mood right now.

Anyway, the point is, I started work today.  It seems okay.

Seriously, why do people ask how work was?  What am I supposed to say when they ask me?  It’s not fantastic, I mean, I could be at home playing games.  It’s not boring either; I’m always busy doing something.  It’s work, it’s worky, that’s all there is to it, right?

I’ve had exes who would whinge when I didn’t ask them how work was, and now that I’m working I realise it was all an attention-seeking façade (Does that even make sense? I wanted to use a fancy word).  I didn’t complain when they didn’t ask me how university was; if I had something to say about it, I’d say it! </rant> Mind you, I still ask friends how work is going.  They (the males in particular) seem to like the attention, and I am interested to know.

I think part of the reason I’m in a crazy mood is because I haven’t slept properly for about a week now, or even longer.  I can’t really remember.  It’s pretty less-than-average.  If I’m lucky I’ll fall asleep around 2am or 3am and wake up at 6am.  I wouldn’t usually mind so much, except now when I do sleep, I dream vivid, messed-up nightmares.  Even if I take something to help me sleep, which I rarely do, it just means my nightmares are going to last longer and probably be more traumatic.

I’m pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me something.  I would write about these nightmares except some of them are kind of personal.  I might. I don’t know.  I’ll see.  Some of them would make for an interesting read, if it was written well (in my opinion anyway).

Maybe that’s what I could do – take my nightmares as inspiration for BOOKS.  Could I really be a novelist?  I get distracted by the littlest things…

Speaking of inspiration, I’m interested in someone (While proofreading this, I realised how perfect my timing was. “Distraction.. OH SHINEY!”).  Over the past few months I’ve met many men, got asked on many dates, even went on a few, but I think I’m pretty set on this one guy.  He seems really random, affectionate, interesting, down-to-earth and out of this world at the same time, just like me!

I’m not giving away too many details yet.  I intend to get to know this guy and see if we’re compatible as a couple before I consider a relationship with him.  I won’t be making the same mistakes again.

Ah, so many lessons learnt over the past few years.

I feel I am becoming a woman.

<3 DarkSlinky.

So I thought I would do a quick update.

Let’s see…

Mostly I’ve just been sorting out some relationship issuuuuuuues (mer, mer, mer, you know how it is) as well as job hunting, which has been unsuccessful, I might add.

I’ve been feeling pretty down about it all so I’ve been playing games with friends, studying Japanese and making amigurumi in my spare time to cheer myself up.  It does the trick most of the time.  I’ve also found a few nice hiding spots in my little neighbourhood if I need to get away and think by myself for a while.

I have pretty much decided I’ll go back to university to study a Bachelor of Education as well as Japanese on the side, next semester if possible.  I shall have to look into that…

Lately I’ve become a little obsessed with Quake 3 Arena and Poker.  Yep, I learnt how to play real poker!  I thought I would be crap at it but apparently I’m not too bad.  I just have to practise my poker face.

I’ll have to post pictures of my little amigurumi projects, so I can see how I’ve improved.  I’m currently working on a cutesie little Kirby.  <3

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy day, I know it.

Bring it onnnn! >:3

<3 DarkSlinky.

I’ve been having nightmares again, so I haven’t been sleeping well.  Last night was the first decent night’s sleep in a while, and even then I woke up halfway through the night and couldn’t stop coughing.  I’m surprised I didn’t wake Gavin up.

I’ve had this horrible cough for days.  I think it’s safe to say it’s a result of the sinus (or whatever it was) infection I had.  I probably caught it at Big Day Out last Sunday.

I also got really badly sunburnt at Big Day Out , despite putting sun cream on.  It was such a hot day that they had hoses spraying water out over the crowds to keep everyone cool, so I think all the sun cream was washed off.  On Wednesday my back was covered in blisters and a few days ago it started peeling.  It’s really quite disgusting.  Big Day Out was awesome though, so it was worth it anyway.

If you’d like a preview of what Big Day Out was like, there are a lot of pretty good clips on YouTube of different bands and stuff.  Muse was by far the best, though.  Here is a decent clip of them singing Stockholme Syndrome – Keep in mind I was up the front, just in front of the bigger screen on the right, which was also where the EPICALLY HUGE speakers were.  They played great songs.  I could feel the bass shaking every part of my body.  Delicious.

Unfortunately dermatitis has come up on my hands and scalp again, probably from stress.

A couple of days ago a big cut appeared on the inside of my gum (the side that’s under my tongue).  I suspect there may be a loose piece of bone under there (from when I had my wisdom teeth removed last year) that’s cutting through my gum.  I’ll have to go to the dentist to get it checked out if it doesn’t heal up.  I hope this cough goes away before then.  I don’t want to be coughing in the dentists face… it must be pretty gross being a dentist sometimes.

I’ve made countless attempts to retrieve my old mobile number, I still haven’t been successful.  It’s getting to a ridiculously frustrating level now.  I went as far as to submit a complaint to my phone company – Virgin – and I will definitely be posting my story on a few forums, although I won’t tell it here now.  It’s definitely getting its’ own rant.

Despite looking for a job, I can’t apply for anything until I get my number back because it’s my only direct point of contact apart from e-mail and I’m pretty sure employers aren’t going to contact me over the internet.  Not having a job and not attending university is giving me a sense of worthlessness and I feel really pathetic depending on my parents while I’m an adult.  I’m so financially strained at the moment too; it’s a terribly stressful situation.

Thursday was a good day.  I spent the morning cleaning Gavin’s car from top to bottom.  As a thankyou gift he took me out for dinner and then he bought me a pair of very expensive, leather, thigh-high, stiletto, Mollini boots I’ve had both my eyes on for a few weeks (I’m a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky girl!!! >.<)

Boots to die for.

Thursday evening Alex came over and brought with him a Nintendo 64 game I’ve been looking for for years; Pokemon Stadium 2.  In most shops it’s worth $60 – $80 but he managed to get it for me for $45 which is great because I think the classic Nintendo 64 games are only going to increase in value now.  I found out my Nintendo 64 is worth up to $130.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling really under the weather after a bad nights sleep, luckily I had my wonderful boyfriend there to comfort me and give me sympathy.  He got out of bed and while I slept a few more hours he cleaned my house; bathroom, kitchen and lounge room before making a cup of lemsip for me to wake up to.  Thank goodness I have one less thing to worry about.

The rest of Saturday, Alex, Lynnette, Gavin, Nicki and I spent with Emma.  We hung out at her house for a while and had lunch at a nice cafe before it was time to travel to the airport to say our “See you laters.”  It was truly heartbreaking to witness.  Emma told us she was nervous and wasn’t ready to leave yet.  Everyone knew I would be upset so all their eyes were on me.  I couldn’t look at her for fear of bursting into tears, which I did as I watched her walking to the gate.  I hope I get to go see her in New Zealand this year, but oh, here comes the money issue again…

I’ve been really snappy.  I’m finding it increasingly difficult to trust people, whether they are friends or family, and I’m not exactly sure why.  This, in turn, makes me feel very alone, especially since I keep a lot of my troubles to myself.  I’m very good at putting forward a happy persona when it’s just not how I’m feeling.

I know it doesn’t seem all bad but it’s been a pretty rocky road and I just wish life would cut me a break at the moment.

The only thing I can really do is harden up and keep pushing forward; wait for my health to improve, see the dentist, sort out my phone number and then apply for jobs.  It’s important to focus on the positives, and I’ve definitely had a few days this week where I’ve been spoilt by my loved ones.

On a better note, Gavin spent this afternoon teaching me how to play Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 and I really enjoyed it.  After a couple of failed games I managed to grasp the concept and got the ball rolling.  There was one point in the game that made me laugh…

Gavin:  “How are you going over there?”
Computer:  “Your enemy has been defeated.” (By yours truly!)
Jayne:  “Yeah, pretty good.”
Gavin:  “Oh, nice work.”

I also had a game with Gavin and Fen from Pants Party.  I think the boys found my noobness highly amusing.

Jayne:  “Oh, look!  There’s a cute puppy in my base!”
Gavin:  “He’s not on our team…”
Jayne:  “Oh, what?  Crap.”

Check out my awesome shirt.  Thank YOU SplitReason!

"Forget headshots, I aim for the NUTS!"

Yes, that is a bacon sticker on my head.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Last Thursday Emma, Alex, Gavin and I went down to the Gold Coast to stay in a 5 star resort for 4 nights.  Leigh also joined us for Friday and Saturday nights.  It was just what I needed; friends, beach, dancing, sunshine, games, delicious food (cooked by yours truly + Emma) and relaxation.  To top it all off, the resort was actually on ‘Hope Island’ – haha.  This amuses me because my nightmares and insomnia stopped while I was away and they haven’t yet returned.

On Sunday Lynnette caught a train from Brisbane to join Gavin, Emma and I in attending one of the biggest music festivals of the year; Big Day Out, along with 54,996 other people (seriously – 55,000 tickets were completely sold out).  I saw Muse, Powderfinger, Lily Allen, Eskimo Joe, The Mars Volta, Dizzee Rascal, Karnivool, Kasabian, Mastodon and Blue Juice.  I could only describe Muse as fan-fricking-tastic.  I have been to see a few bands and I think it’s safe to say Muse put on the best performance I have ever seen.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to see Rise Against, Jet, Grinspoon, Fear Factory, Peaches or Girl Talk because they clashed with other bands but I’m still really satisfied with how my day played out.  The only downside is that I now have this sinus infection and my back is badly sunburnt.

I have found it rather difficult to return to Brisbane.  It feels as though I’m returning to a harsh reality where I’m struggling financially and a lot of things aren’t working out for me, like work, university and retrieving my original mobile phone number.  Sigh…

It’s also the last week I get to spend with the beautiful Emma before she returns to her home in New Zealand.  As I’ve probably said before, she’s the only person who understands my strange sense of humour, as well as the only person I feel I can be 100% myself around…

I’m starting to not make sense, aren’t I?

It’s definitely time for bed. I hope this damn sinus infection heals quickly.

I am also speed capped.

<3 DarkSlinky.

The past week has mostly involved games, shopping, get-togethers, job hunting and soul discovering.

Over the past few weeks I have acquired quite a few new games, thanks to the epic Steam Christmas sales.  Also thanks to Gavin for buying me some of my new games <3.  My spare time has been spent getting to know them better (especially Unreal Tournament); however ‘spare time’ has been a rare luxury.

Mind you, I love spending time with my friends and I will continue to do so as much as possible before Emma goes back home to New Zealand.  Some days we spend just shopping or hanging out at home together, and other days we’ll invite everyone to come together and talk, swim, play games and drink together.

Our most common topic of conversation would have to be Monique and how much she is missing out on simply by avoiding me (which as you know, is not my fault).  It’s just a combination of irritating people and a series of unfortunate events.

I spent today sulking and whinging about being sore from head to toe.  Last night I went into the city with a few friends for a ladies night on the town.  It was my first time clubbing and my god, it was incredible.  I don’t exactly remember the details of how we got to the club, but I remember once we got there I had the time of my life.  We danced for hours and then ate the most amazing tasting sausage rolls.  Oh yes, it was a night I will not forget.

The whole job hunting thing is stressing me out.  I’ve decided to defer university but I just feel like I’m wasting time.  At the same time, I don’t know if I’ll go back or drop out completely.  I don’t want it to look like I’ve given up because it was too hard, because that’s not the case at all.  I feel really bad for always bringing the topic up with my friends, because they either don’t know what to say or just tell me the same thing.  I’m looking for the answer but I need to find it in myself.

If I defer I have another 6 – 12 months to decide whether or not to go back into psychology or do something else, anyway.  I guess that is a big benefit.

I’ve had a (so far) mild case of insomnia again.  I think it started because I began to have nightmares again after New Year’s Eve.  They would have been triggered by a combination of things, including a really loud bang I heard while sitting in the backyard that frightened me.

Beware, I’m going to talk about “women’s things” to finish off – yes, Don, this warning is for you.

I find it interesting that all my friends monthly cycles synchronised to mine.  I find it even more interesting that all the men we’ve been spending a lot of time with have become very ‘pissy’.  One has even said to me that he has been very moody and he doesn’t understand why.  I told him he has PMS, which went down surprisingly well.  It seems there is evidence to support that women’s bodies synchronise, but I’m wondering it’s possible for men to ‘synchronise’ too… if you know what I mean?

Anyway, I should really try and sleep. Wish me luck!

<3 DarkSlinky.

On Tuesday, Alex and I drove to the airport to surprise Emma when she came through the gate.  Unfortunately we miscalculated how long it would take to get there and we arrived two hours early.  Her flight was due to land at 8:05am and we arrived at about 6:20am.  Not something I’ll forget in a hurry.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the airport and watching the people, playing games and drinking coffee.

Every day since then has been spent going out places, catching up with old friends and spending heaps of time together.

It has been so wonderful to have Emma home again.  We’ve been the closest of friends since grade 1 and over the years we developed a strange sense of humour together that no one else really understands.  We’re already using body language and having conversations that no one else understands.  We resolve each others confusing thought patterns, finish each others sentences and even say and do the exact same things at the exact same time sometimes.  Alex and Gavin have been lucky enough to witness this phenomenon.  This sort of bond doesn’t just develop overnight.  We’ve always shared a truly special friendship and every time she comes home I realise just how much I’ve missed her!

On Tuesday I had a few dramas with my eldest sister that really upset me but I guess I got over it.  Nothing was really resolved but that’s just how these things play out sometimes.

On Friday I saw Avatar with Gavin, Emma and Lynnette.  It was cliché and a bit corny but thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless.  I would recommend it!

At the moment I’m under quite a lot of pressure and there’s a lot on my mind.

I had decided a few months ago that I was going to go back to university and finish my psychology degree, but today I was watching a movie trailer and in it someone said, “If you had millions of dollars and didn’t have to work, what would you do?” and I thought, “I wouldn’t be working as a psychologist, that’s for sure.”  I’d probably work with cars or computers.  At the same time, everyone knows I love helping people.  I’ve told a few friends that I’m thinking about changing to an IT course next year and some have said, “But you’re so good at helping people!”  It’s flattering but I just don’t know what to do.  I have to think about what I want too, you know?  I want to help people but the research reports and statistics side of it is tripping me up, not to mention the fact that my university has made some really poor decisions regarding my psychology course…  I don’t know!!  It’s something I need to think long and hard about and my time is limited.

The other thing is that I may have my old job as an office administrator back starting first thing next year.  It would be really wonderful if I get it but I don’t want to get my hopes up at the same time.  I’ll probably find out tomorrow whether or not I get the job.

One option, if I do get the job, would be to defer university for a further 6 months to give me the chance to think more about what I want to do.   I need time to think and research but time is running out so fast.

Stress, stress!

All this stress definitely isn’t helping with my physical health.  Beware; the next few paragraphs will contain information regarding ‘ladies things’. While I firmly believe men should understand how these things work, I understand that some don’t want to hear anything about it. 

I skipped my last period and this month is either very late or has been skipped as well.  It could be due to a number of things; all of which are either nothing at all and will resolve themselves or can be quite serious.  I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not pregnant.  Haha.  It could be anything from stress to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Here’s hoping it’s nothing serious.  I’m tossing up whether or not to go to the doctor this week or wait another month before I go.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Stress -> miss period -> stress about missed period -> miss period -> stress… etc.

To the gentlemen out there – being a girl really sucks sometimes. Please be nice to us!

Oh yes, I forgot, I’m a total dag.  Gavin’s Christmas present arrived this week and I just happened to walk out into my lounge room carrying his present (unwrapped) while he was sitting there looking at me like, “What are you DOING?”  I didn’t even realise what I had done for a few minutes.  Luckily I was able to think of something else to give him so he’ll still get a surprise on Christmas day. Shame! Haha.

I’m thinking it’s time for a shower and cup of tea.  I need to de-stress.

<3 DarkSlinky.

We both had a really good day.  He turned up at my house this afternoon with a bunch of my favourite flowers.  My favourite flower is the carnation, because it’s intricate and complicated, like I am.  I never told him which flowers were my favourite so it was a really pleasant surprise.  He seems to have a knack for these things; he’s always able to pick which ice cream or food I feel like.

We went out shopping for the afternoon, followed by dinner at Wagamama’s and then we went to see ‘The Invention of Lying.’  Good movie, I really enjoyed it.

Hmm. I’m really lost for words tonight for some reason.  Usually I have stacks to say but it’s just not there tonight.  I think it’s because I’m really tired.

Last night I was a bit upset…  I ended up staying up to watch the sun rise.  No doubt I’ll bring the reason why up in a future post, when I’m not so tired.

I have a throat infection so I think I’ll need to see a doctor at some point.  I have a big weekend ahead of me too, haha.

I bought the THQ pack off steam today.  It’s incredibly good value; 19 games for $49.99USD which is $54.70AUD.  That works out to be $2.90AUD per game which just blows me away because some of the games they include in the pack are still worth $90.00AUD retail.  If you’re a gamer I’d highly recommend you look into it. Clicky clicky~!

I now own 72 steam games alone.. plus a whole bunch of other PC, N64 and PS2 games.

Gamer pridddde. ;D

Hopefully next time I update I’ll be more insightful.

<3 DarkSlinky.