Just so you know, my brain isn’t exactly working tonight.  I know what I want to say but every time I type it, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  My train of thought is very disjointed, so I apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.

It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of bliss, contentedness and misery that seems to work on what I like to think of as a ‘trigger-system’.  By that I mean that if I feel happy I think it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and if I feel sad I think I just have to wait for something to go right.  It could take a few hours or a few days.  How sad I feel doesn’t affect the time span; I can be either very distressed or just feeling mildly disconnected, like I do now.

I realise it’s completely irrational to be feeling upset when things are going well.  I think I’m feeling this way now because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.  My back has now been aching for 12 days and I’ve had very little sleep in that time.

I’m also very nervous about my job interview tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it and I feel excited about the fact that I’ve found the beginning of the road I want to walk down and I don’t feel completely lost.

However, this afternoon I was talking to one of my friends who had been trying to help motivate me since my break-up.  He asked me where my job interview was, and when I told him, he had the nerve to say, and I quote, “Get a real job.”  I felt deeply offended and disheartened, even if he was just ‘joking’, which I don’t think he was because when I tried to explain why I’m passionate about this line of work, he told me working at the local supermarket would be more of a ‘job’.

What the hell?  Apparently teaching parents, babies and children about pool safety that could very well save their lives one day is a waste of time.  It also means I’m a ‘babysitter’ and not a ‘teacher’.

What-ev-er.

The other issue I have at the moment is that I’ve found out a few of my close friends are moving away.  Emma already lives in New Zealand and I have two more friends who are moving overseas to be with people they love; one to the US and one to the UK.  On the one hand, I can go visit them and see more of the world, but I’ll still miss them dearly…

A good representation of how I’m feeling now would be a song most people would know quite well, Evanescence – Going under.

My next blog will either be ecstatic or bleh, I imagine… you know, as opposed to all the other things it could be.

Haha. Oh, I amuse myself.

<3 DarkSlinky.

On Sunday I was in a really foul mood due to the fact I didn’t sleep much, also because I’ve had persistent back pain since Thursday.  Apart from that, though, things are really starting to look up as my weekly routine begins to fall back into place after being disrupted years ago due to my feelings of worthlessness… </emo>.

Last week I finally got my phone number back, so I’ve gradually been recollecting everyone’s phone numbers again.  It feels great to be able to contact my friends whenever I want to, and for people to be able to contact me again.  Getting my phone number back also meant something else; I could finally start actively looking for a job again.

I applied for a few jobs over the weekend, but today I applied for a job at the place my niece has been learning to swim, and the place my sister recently got a job as a swimming trainer for children.  Within a few hours of me sending in my application, the boss called me and asked if I could come in for an interview on Monday.

I’m so stoked!  The job at this place wasn’t even advertised or anything, I just thought I would apply there and see what would happen.

So, I spent the day bouncing around and telling everyone I finally got an interview and it’s somewhere I’d not only feel comfortable, but I’d also feel passionate about the work I’d be doing.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.  Even though I still don’t know what I want to do about the university course I’m enrolled in, I feel like I’m a lot closer to finding the answers to my questions.

Getting to the ‘Interview’ stage of applying for a job has also substantially boosted my confidence, even if I don’t get the job.  It’s been years since I’ve had a job interview and it feels good to be back in the game.  The language and attitude the boss was using over the phone has given me a lot of confidence too; he seemed impressed and keen to meet me.

I’m very excited and nervous and I really hope this works out for me.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but that’s kind of tricky, as you can imagine.

This week I started teaching piano to my niece again.  Once I get this job situation sorted out I might be able to find more students, which would be great!

There is a wonderful man, my other half, waiting in my bed for me.  I think I shall go join him.

<3 DarkSlinky.