I have been in Perth for two and a half weeks now and in that time I have realised this is just the break I needed after what occurred with my ex.  I don’t like to sound corny (I always do anyway, don’t I?) but I fell in love with a wonderful man as soon as I stepped off that plane and saw him there waiting for me (Aheee I’m a hopeless romantic! >.<).  Of course, that man is Snags.  We’ve spent the last month getting to know each other and, frankly, I can’t get enough of him.  So far there have been absolutely no conflicts, except that I refuse to let him do housework in my home if he’s working full time and he insists on sharing the load (so trivial and cute… -Swoon-).  He will be moving to my home in Queensland over the next few months which makes both of us very happy.

Snags wasn’t the only person at the airport either.  There were about 7 friends there waiting for me despite the fact parking is expensive, my plane didn’t land until 12:30am and there was a chance my flight would be delayed due to heavy fog.  There were more people waiting at a 24hr restaurant to meet me too.  I felt so very special.  From Pants Party I have now met (and this is more for my reference than anything else) PP Queensland; X1 , Prince Barin, Verty, Mcbaine, Mosse, KyePie, Necromancer, and PP Western Australia; Snags, Fen, Murdats, Gaz, Eagz, Darkr, Timmeh, Shocklanced, Synapz, Ace of Spades, Siby, and Senn.  I’ve made a lot of other Perth friends too, and I’m yet to meet more from Pants Party.

Coming to Perth has made me realise how very little I miss in Brisbane, and how little in Brisbane misses me.  At first it was kind of upsetting but I realised it’s just the reality and I have no choice but to accept it.  I’m thinking about moving to Perth but it probably won’t be for a few years yet, if anything.  I feel as though I still have unfinished business back home and Snags is happy to move there with me so everything seems to be panning out nicely.

I sorted things out with that friend of mine that I mentioned in my last blog.  It was a simple misunderstanding and nothing serious, which I am very glad for.  While in Perth I’ve also managed to clear up a few other miscommunications with friends in Brisbane and help a few other friends with love dramas and the like.  I am quite pleased with myself and feel better about going back there now.

I seem to have slipped in to another pattern of insomnia and nightmares again.  I don’t sleep well and when I do sleep I have dreams and nightmares that are so real I wake up believing they have occurred.  I told a friend about it and he suggested I read up on and try lucid dreaming.  To start with, this will involve me having a letter written on my hand to remind myself to question my reality and writing down the dreams I have as soon as I remember them.  So I’ll try it and see if I can learn to control my dreams.  I’m very excited and interested to see what the outcome will be.

As a side note; why does everyone think I have a British accent just because I speak correctly?!  Gaarrhh!!  No matter where I go everyone asks me about it! >.<

Maybe I’ll start vlogging, just for teh lulz… >:3

<3 DarkSlinky.

(P.S. DarkSlinky is a nightmare to type without “L” or “K”.  I become DarSiny…)

I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, relationships in particular.  Not just boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but friendships too.

I realised tonight what I really miss about having been in a long-term relationship is having a friend who you can confide everything in.  It’s special to have someone who knows you inside-out, someone who won’t judge you, someone who knows what to say or what to do to comfort you.  Someone you can talk to for hours about your insights or your worries and they want to know more.  It’s a shame these things tend to wither with time, whether it be hours or decades.

I guess I just feel like there’s a lot on my mind and no one really has the time or interest to listen, which I think is fair enough.  I’m not angry or bitter, as always, I just feel lonely and I hope in the future I have someone in my life who will take me for all that I am and love me unconditionally.

I’m always so fascinated with other people’s life stories.  I could listen for hours as people tell me about their secrets from the past, their fears for the present and their hopes for the future.

I had someone asking me about my life a few nights ago and he told me I was an amazing and unique person.  It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, which makes me feel like I’ve got something special to share with the world.  Maybe they’re wrong, though.  I find that people’s initial interest fades away, like a match that flares up and burns for a while before gradually dying away.  For a little while there you feel warm and thrilled but soon it’s cold and grey again.  It’s a little sad, but mostly just normality, I think.

I’ve probably said it before, but I have friends that I’ve known for many, many years and I’m lucky in that regard.  I don’t think I’m as close to any of them as I used to be, which is a shame.  I was once a part of a group of friends who always told each other everything.  We suffered through tough times and practically grew up together.  Now we’re older and busier with work and study, some of us have moved far away, some have lost contact altogether, some have changed and moved on to different things.  I’ll always have a special place in my heart for those people.  I hope they stay in my life as much as possible, and I hope the ones who have left return to me one day.

I crave something deeper, something meaningful, maybe something endless… Not that I can comprehend what ‘endless’ is anyway.

I wonder if others desire the same thing, or if it’s just me…?

<3 DarkSlinky.

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve slept properly.  I get a maximum of a few hours sleep a night, and when I do sleep, I continue to dream of horrific things in full detail.

I often dream of houses that are beautiful in the daytime, but when night falls there are things in the darkness that chase me and try to kill me, most often big, black monsters or rotting corpses.  I sometimes find myself having to defend myself while others just stand around and watch.  It sounds kind of childish, but when you’re dreaming these things in detail over an extended amount of time it can really eat away at your sanity.

I’ve had too many dreams to write about them all, but last night is a good example of the things I’ve been dreaming.  I warn you, don’t read them if you’re easily distressed, because they are graphic and quite disturbing.

I dreamt that the sun was bright and I was standing in the middle of an open area near a river, but my attention was focused on the eyes of a man I didn’t know.  They were full of fear and even though I wanted to understand why, he was silent.  It was like we were having a conversation with our eyes.  His face was inches from mine when the top half of his head suddenly burst open in an explosive-type-manner.  I felt his still warm blood splatter over me and run down my face.  All that was left in front of me was his slackened bottom-jaw and an unrecognisable, bright-red mass of flesh, teeth and bone.  The gore was almost unbearable.

I then dreamt that I was standing in a cold, small, grey room with a glass panel in one wall revealing another grey room.  There were people behind me, but they felt like shadows.  Through the glass panel I could see a muscular man in white pants strapped to a table, gagged and struggling to get free.  The room he was in began to fill with a thick, colourful liquid, like different kinds of jelly mixed in together.  The table the man was lying on then began to move him into a crucifix position, his arms outstretched.

I could feel the cold glass on my palm as I put my hand on the window.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  His eyes were full of fear.  He managed to get free of the gag, but not his bindings.  He began to scream as the liquid wrapped around his legs and I could see the flesh on his feet burning.  I was horrified and frantically began to look for a way to help him.  No one tried to stop me as I proceeded to enter the room through a series of metal doors.  The jelly-liquid immediately began to burn me, it was now waist-deep.  I rushed to help the man, fighting through my own pain and trying to ignore his anguished screams.  As I struggled to remove the straps around his arms I glanced around to see the shadowed faces were blank and emotionless.  I felt exasperated and weak as my body began to shut down and the world went black.

I don’t like not having control over what goes through my head, especially while I sleep.  Sleep is supposed to be restful, but at this point in time it just feels like torture.  I’m afraid to sleep in case I dream these disgusting things.  I’m also afraid of darkness, as ridiculous as it sounds.

At the moment I’m on-edge as well as physically and emotionally exhausted.  I feel like there are hard times ahead and I just hope I can maintain a sense of hope, especially while most of my friends are either far away or ignoring me for no good reason.

This song probably best portrays how I’ve been feeling over the past few weeks:
Slipknot – Vermillion Pt. 1.

In any case, I’m looking forward to settling in to my new job in the coming week.

I spent my first paycheque on Pokémon Heartgold for my brand new DS, which was bought for me by a very special man for my 20th birthday (even though it’s still a month away).  I’ve spent the lonely days and nights obsessing over it.  It cheers me up most of the time, I enjoy it a lot, and I feel like a true geek walking around with my Pokéwalker.

Maybe tonight I’ll sleep peacefully.  Here’s hoping.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Yeah, I’ve been drinking rum, eating chips and playing Starcraft 2 all night (What a life!).  I’m in a pretty crazy mood right now.

Anyway, the point is, I started work today.  It seems okay.

Seriously, why do people ask how work was?  What am I supposed to say when they ask me?  It’s not fantastic, I mean, I could be at home playing games.  It’s not boring either; I’m always busy doing something.  It’s work, it’s worky, that’s all there is to it, right?

I’ve had exes who would whinge when I didn’t ask them how work was, and now that I’m working I realise it was all an attention-seeking façade (Does that even make sense? I wanted to use a fancy word).  I didn’t complain when they didn’t ask me how university was; if I had something to say about it, I’d say it! </rant> Mind you, I still ask friends how work is going.  They (the males in particular) seem to like the attention, and I am interested to know.

I think part of the reason I’m in a crazy mood is because I haven’t slept properly for about a week now, or even longer.  I can’t really remember.  It’s pretty less-than-average.  If I’m lucky I’ll fall asleep around 2am or 3am and wake up at 6am.  I wouldn’t usually mind so much, except now when I do sleep, I dream vivid, messed-up nightmares.  Even if I take something to help me sleep, which I rarely do, it just means my nightmares are going to last longer and probably be more traumatic.

I’m pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me something.  I would write about these nightmares except some of them are kind of personal.  I might. I don’t know.  I’ll see.  Some of them would make for an interesting read, if it was written well (in my opinion anyway).

Maybe that’s what I could do – take my nightmares as inspiration for BOOKS.  Could I really be a novelist?  I get distracted by the littlest things…

Speaking of inspiration, I’m interested in someone (While proofreading this, I realised how perfect my timing was. “Distraction.. OH SHINEY!”).  Over the past few months I’ve met many men, got asked on many dates, even went on a few, but I think I’m pretty set on this one guy.  He seems really random, affectionate, interesting, down-to-earth and out of this world at the same time, just like me!

I’m not giving away too many details yet.  I intend to get to know this guy and see if we’re compatible as a couple before I consider a relationship with him.  I won’t be making the same mistakes again.

Ah, so many lessons learnt over the past few years.

I feel I am becoming a woman.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I’m single again; there’s no easy way to put it.

I haven’t updated my blog lately because, quite simply, I haven’t had the energy.  I’ve been emotionally exhausted and I seem to have lost all motivation to function like a ‘normal’ human (what is normal, anyway..?).  I wake up, usually in the afternoons, feeling lethargic and find it difficult to get out of bed.  My body or brain or whatever is switching between nights full of nightmares and sleepless nights, which I find quite exhausting.

My family have told me they’re worried about me.  I seem to be showing a lot of symptoms of depression, even though I don’t really feel anything; not pain, happiness, sadness, hope… just nothing I guess.

Well my break-up happened today so right now I’m definitely feeling pain and sadness, but that can be expected, I guess.  Once again, I just have to endure and wait for time to heal the wounds, experience the pain for what it is and learn from my mistakes.

What happened, though?

In the beginning it was all so magical and surreal; I had this wonderful man back in my life and we got on like a house on fire.  We were both swept up in the romance of the moment and before we developed even a friendship, we had dived into a serious relationship.

In hindsight, it was far too soon after my previous relationship.  After 4 or 5 months the initial puppy love died away and what was left was a lot of conflicting morals and values, which ultimately resulted in distrust, defensiveness and miscommunication.

We certainly had some wonderful times together; memories I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I guess its things like that that make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision. I mean, we made the decision to break up together, but ultimately I feel like it was my decision, because whether he agreed with me or not, that’s what I would have decided to do.  I just have to remind myself of my own, personal reasons for the decision I made.

My family are going to criticise me for letting him go.  Apparently I should have done anything to make him happy, even sacrifice my own happiness, because he ‘provides’ for me.  I’m not even kidding.  Aren’t my family supposed to tell me to do whatever makes me happy..?  Apparently it’s all apart of ‘growing up,’ which I’ve already decided I’m not going to do… so whatever, haha.

Anyway, we ended the relationship mostly on good terms.  We’re hoping a friendship will now have the chance to develop; and who knows what the future holds.  I don’t regret anything.

I guess the lesson I’ve learnt is not to rush into anything.  Take the time to get to know each other and make sure you’re confident a more serious relationship will work.  If the person who’s interested in you is genuinely interested, they’ll give you the time and space you need.  Also, do whatever makes you happy.  You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.  If in 10 years time you look back on today, will you be happy with the decision you’ve made…?

Haha, my blogs must all seem so negative at the moment.  I don’t see why people would want to read it exactly.  I guess looking back over my blog it’s interesting to see where life has taken me since I started writing.  People tell me they like the raw emotion and honesty in my blog.  I guess I just like to share my experiences for the benefit of… well, anyone.

Gavin:  “How are you going to deal with the horde of guys who will chase you again?”
Me:  “Combat shotgun, Molotov… I’ll be fine.”

The geek in me shall always prevail.

Speaking of which, I went to see the optometrist and discovered that I’m short-sighted.  The optometrist said I don’t exactly need glasses but they would help in my daily life, and she showed me the world as I see it compared to how I would see it through glasses.  I was honestly surprised at the difference, so I spoke to my parents and I got my first pair of glasses.

Four-eyes!

That afternoon Gavin took me to a few nice little spots so I could admire the view more clearly.  Just another of those memories I’ll cherish.

I really should sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I’ve been having nightmares again, so I haven’t been sleeping well.  Last night was the first decent night’s sleep in a while, and even then I woke up halfway through the night and couldn’t stop coughing.  I’m surprised I didn’t wake Gavin up.

I’ve had this horrible cough for days.  I think it’s safe to say it’s a result of the sinus (or whatever it was) infection I had.  I probably caught it at Big Day Out last Sunday.

I also got really badly sunburnt at Big Day Out , despite putting sun cream on.  It was such a hot day that they had hoses spraying water out over the crowds to keep everyone cool, so I think all the sun cream was washed off.  On Wednesday my back was covered in blisters and a few days ago it started peeling.  It’s really quite disgusting.  Big Day Out was awesome though, so it was worth it anyway.

If you’d like a preview of what Big Day Out was like, there are a lot of pretty good clips on YouTube of different bands and stuff.  Muse was by far the best, though.  Here is a decent clip of them singing Stockholme Syndrome – Keep in mind I was up the front, just in front of the bigger screen on the right, which was also where the EPICALLY HUGE speakers were.  They played great songs.  I could feel the bass shaking every part of my body.  Delicious.

Unfortunately dermatitis has come up on my hands and scalp again, probably from stress.

A couple of days ago a big cut appeared on the inside of my gum (the side that’s under my tongue).  I suspect there may be a loose piece of bone under there (from when I had my wisdom teeth removed last year) that’s cutting through my gum.  I’ll have to go to the dentist to get it checked out if it doesn’t heal up.  I hope this cough goes away before then.  I don’t want to be coughing in the dentists face… it must be pretty gross being a dentist sometimes.

I’ve made countless attempts to retrieve my old mobile number, I still haven’t been successful.  It’s getting to a ridiculously frustrating level now.  I went as far as to submit a complaint to my phone company – Virgin – and I will definitely be posting my story on a few forums, although I won’t tell it here now.  It’s definitely getting its’ own rant.

Despite looking for a job, I can’t apply for anything until I get my number back because it’s my only direct point of contact apart from e-mail and I’m pretty sure employers aren’t going to contact me over the internet.  Not having a job and not attending university is giving me a sense of worthlessness and I feel really pathetic depending on my parents while I’m an adult.  I’m so financially strained at the moment too; it’s a terribly stressful situation.

Thursday was a good day.  I spent the morning cleaning Gavin’s car from top to bottom.  As a thankyou gift he took me out for dinner and then he bought me a pair of very expensive, leather, thigh-high, stiletto, Mollini boots I’ve had both my eyes on for a few weeks (I’m a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky girl!!! >.<)

Boots to die for.

Thursday evening Alex came over and brought with him a Nintendo 64 game I’ve been looking for for years; Pokemon Stadium 2.  In most shops it’s worth $60 – $80 but he managed to get it for me for $45 which is great because I think the classic Nintendo 64 games are only going to increase in value now.  I found out my Nintendo 64 is worth up to $130.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling really under the weather after a bad nights sleep, luckily I had my wonderful boyfriend there to comfort me and give me sympathy.  He got out of bed and while I slept a few more hours he cleaned my house; bathroom, kitchen and lounge room before making a cup of lemsip for me to wake up to.  Thank goodness I have one less thing to worry about.

The rest of Saturday, Alex, Lynnette, Gavin, Nicki and I spent with Emma.  We hung out at her house for a while and had lunch at a nice cafe before it was time to travel to the airport to say our “See you laters.”  It was truly heartbreaking to witness.  Emma told us she was nervous and wasn’t ready to leave yet.  Everyone knew I would be upset so all their eyes were on me.  I couldn’t look at her for fear of bursting into tears, which I did as I watched her walking to the gate.  I hope I get to go see her in New Zealand this year, but oh, here comes the money issue again…

I’ve been really snappy.  I’m finding it increasingly difficult to trust people, whether they are friends or family, and I’m not exactly sure why.  This, in turn, makes me feel very alone, especially since I keep a lot of my troubles to myself.  I’m very good at putting forward a happy persona when it’s just not how I’m feeling.

I know it doesn’t seem all bad but it’s been a pretty rocky road and I just wish life would cut me a break at the moment.

The only thing I can really do is harden up and keep pushing forward; wait for my health to improve, see the dentist, sort out my phone number and then apply for jobs.  It’s important to focus on the positives, and I’ve definitely had a few days this week where I’ve been spoilt by my loved ones.

On a better note, Gavin spent this afternoon teaching me how to play Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 and I really enjoyed it.  After a couple of failed games I managed to grasp the concept and got the ball rolling.  There was one point in the game that made me laugh…

Gavin:  “How are you going over there?”
Computer:  “Your enemy has been defeated.” (By yours truly!)
Jayne:  “Yeah, pretty good.”
Gavin:  “Oh, nice work.”

I also had a game with Gavin and Fen from Pants Party.  I think the boys found my noobness highly amusing.

Jayne:  “Oh, look!  There’s a cute puppy in my base!”
Gavin:  “He’s not on our team…”
Jayne:  “Oh, what?  Crap.”

Check out my awesome shirt.  Thank YOU SplitReason!

"Forget headshots, I aim for the NUTS!"

Yes, that is a bacon sticker on my head.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Last Thursday Emma, Alex, Gavin and I went down to the Gold Coast to stay in a 5 star resort for 4 nights.  Leigh also joined us for Friday and Saturday nights.  It was just what I needed; friends, beach, dancing, sunshine, games, delicious food (cooked by yours truly + Emma) and relaxation.  To top it all off, the resort was actually on ‘Hope Island’ – haha.  This amuses me because my nightmares and insomnia stopped while I was away and they haven’t yet returned.

On Sunday Lynnette caught a train from Brisbane to join Gavin, Emma and I in attending one of the biggest music festivals of the year; Big Day Out, along with 54,996 other people (seriously – 55,000 tickets were completely sold out).  I saw Muse, Powderfinger, Lily Allen, Eskimo Joe, The Mars Volta, Dizzee Rascal, Karnivool, Kasabian, Mastodon and Blue Juice.  I could only describe Muse as fan-fricking-tastic.  I have been to see a few bands and I think it’s safe to say Muse put on the best performance I have ever seen.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to see Rise Against, Jet, Grinspoon, Fear Factory, Peaches or Girl Talk because they clashed with other bands but I’m still really satisfied with how my day played out.  The only downside is that I now have this sinus infection and my back is badly sunburnt.

I have found it rather difficult to return to Brisbane.  It feels as though I’m returning to a harsh reality where I’m struggling financially and a lot of things aren’t working out for me, like work, university and retrieving my original mobile phone number.  Sigh…

It’s also the last week I get to spend with the beautiful Emma before she returns to her home in New Zealand.  As I’ve probably said before, she’s the only person who understands my strange sense of humour, as well as the only person I feel I can be 100% myself around…

I’m starting to not make sense, aren’t I?

It’s definitely time for bed. I hope this damn sinus infection heals quickly.

I am also speed capped.

<3 DarkSlinky.

The past week has mostly involved games, shopping, get-togethers, job hunting and soul discovering.

Over the past few weeks I have acquired quite a few new games, thanks to the epic Steam Christmas sales.  Also thanks to Gavin for buying me some of my new games <3.  My spare time has been spent getting to know them better (especially Unreal Tournament); however ‘spare time’ has been a rare luxury.

Mind you, I love spending time with my friends and I will continue to do so as much as possible before Emma goes back home to New Zealand.  Some days we spend just shopping or hanging out at home together, and other days we’ll invite everyone to come together and talk, swim, play games and drink together.

Our most common topic of conversation would have to be Monique and how much she is missing out on simply by avoiding me (which as you know, is not my fault).  It’s just a combination of irritating people and a series of unfortunate events.

I spent today sulking and whinging about being sore from head to toe.  Last night I went into the city with a few friends for a ladies night on the town.  It was my first time clubbing and my god, it was incredible.  I don’t exactly remember the details of how we got to the club, but I remember once we got there I had the time of my life.  We danced for hours and then ate the most amazing tasting sausage rolls.  Oh yes, it was a night I will not forget.

The whole job hunting thing is stressing me out.  I’ve decided to defer university but I just feel like I’m wasting time.  At the same time, I don’t know if I’ll go back or drop out completely.  I don’t want it to look like I’ve given up because it was too hard, because that’s not the case at all.  I feel really bad for always bringing the topic up with my friends, because they either don’t know what to say or just tell me the same thing.  I’m looking for the answer but I need to find it in myself.

If I defer I have another 6 – 12 months to decide whether or not to go back into psychology or do something else, anyway.  I guess that is a big benefit.

I’ve had a (so far) mild case of insomnia again.  I think it started because I began to have nightmares again after New Year’s Eve.  They would have been triggered by a combination of things, including a really loud bang I heard while sitting in the backyard that frightened me.

Beware, I’m going to talk about “women’s things” to finish off – yes, Don, this warning is for you.

I find it interesting that all my friends monthly cycles synchronised to mine.  I find it even more interesting that all the men we’ve been spending a lot of time with have become very ‘pissy’.  One has even said to me that he has been very moody and he doesn’t understand why.  I told him he has PMS, which went down surprisingly well.  It seems there is evidence to support that women’s bodies synchronise, but I’m wondering it’s possible for men to ‘synchronise’ too… if you know what I mean?

Anyway, I should really try and sleep. Wish me luck!

<3 DarkSlinky.