DarkSlinky

Posts Tagged ‘Pool’

Don’t you hate it when you feel down despite the fact things are going well?  I had this discussion with a friend the other day.  I don’t know if it’s normal for people to get feelings like this and I guess I’d be interested to find out more if my level of motivation hadn’t dropped significantly over the past few days.

Just so you know, my brain isn’t exactly working tonight.  I know what I want to say but every time I type it, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  My train of thought is very disjointed, so I apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.

It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of bliss, contentedness and misery that seems to work on what I like to think of as a ‘trigger-system’.  By that I mean that if I feel happy I think it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and if I feel sad I think I just have to wait for something to go right.  It could take a few hours or a few days.  How sad I feel doesn’t affect the time span; I can be either very distressed or just feeling mildly disconnected, like I do now.

I realise it’s completely irrational to be feeling upset when things are going well.  I think I’m feeling this way now because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.  My back has now been aching for 12 days and I’ve had very little sleep in that time.

I’m also very nervous about my job interview tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it and I feel excited about the fact that I’ve found the beginning of the road I want to walk down and I don’t feel completely lost.

However, this afternoon I was talking to one of my friends who had been trying to help motivate me since my break-up.  He asked me where my job interview was, and when I told him, he had the nerve to say, and I quote, “Get a real job.”  I felt deeply offended and disheartened, even if he was just ‘joking’, which I don’t think he was because when I tried to explain why I’m passionate about this line of work, he told me working at the local supermarket would be more of a ‘job’.

What the hell?  Apparently teaching parents, babies and children about pool safety that could very well save their lives one day is a waste of time.  It also means I’m a ‘babysitter’ and not a ‘teacher’.

What-ev-er.

The other issue I have at the moment is that I’ve found out a few of my close friends are moving away.  Emma already lives in New Zealand and I have two more friends who are moving overseas to be with people they love; one to the US and one to the UK.  On the one hand, I can go visit them and see more of the world, but I’ll still miss them dearly…

A good representation of how I’m feeling now would be a song most people would know quite well, Evanescence – Going under.

My next blog will either be ecstatic or bleh, I imagine… you know, as opposed to all the other things it could be.

Haha. Oh, I amuse myself.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Wednesday was my brother’s birthday so Gavin and I decided to go to his house and spend some time with him, his wife and baby boy.  We played with the baby, had a few drinks together, ate pizza, talked, played random xbox 360 games and watched a movie.  I felt really bad when the night came to a close and my brother clearly wanted Gavin and I to stay the night or even just a little bit longer, but we had to go.  He seemed really sad, but I promised we’d go back on the holidays to spend more time with him.

Thursday I spent the day practising pool with Alex and shopping with Gavin… nothing exceptionally interesting from what I can remember.

Friday evening I went to another Christmas party with Gavin.  All the people there were 5 – 15 years older than me, but because I’m used to being around older people (my siblings) I didn’t feel out of place.  I lost count of how many glasses of champagne I had and I ended up making good friends with one lady, her name escapes me.  She started calling me ‘Little Sister’, hahah.  Oh, I had an absolute ball.

The partner of the lady who hosted the party is a chef and he cooked stacks of the most incredible food I’ve ever eaten.  Like, you know how you eat something delicious but after a while you sort of get over it?  It wasn’t like that with this food.  I couldn’t stop myself eating it.  Then there was dessert!  Far out…  I’ll never forget that food, ever.  You guys should be jealous!

So on Saturday I was pretty hung over, but I got up and went shopping with my mum.  We had lunch together and all that, it was nice spending time with her.

I got in contact with one of my friends from primary school (the beautiful Blair, affectionately known as Belairsan) and we decided to meet up again and hang out for a while.  We went down to the dam and had a really good chat about different issues and stuff…  We severed contact about a year or so ago because she and my ex didn’t get along, but now he’s gone and I realised how much I missed her.

She wanted to meet Gavin so he came over and we had dinner and went swimming and all that fun stuff.  They got along well which makes me really happy.  My ex never really got along with my friends and I always thought it would be nice to have someone who actually made an effort to make friends with my friends.

I’ve since told all of my friends to be open with me about what they think about my partners, rather than pretending to like them just for my sake.  I’ve learnt to be open with my friends about my relationships which, in my opinion, is of the utmost importance.  There should be no reason to hide if you’re upset over an argument you’ve had with your partner or whatever, and it’s good to have the support and advice of other people.  That way they can tell you if they think you’d be happier without that person, although sometimes I know it can be hard to listen when denial kicks in.

Saturday evening Gavin and I watched Seven Pounds.  I highly recommend it.  I found I could really relate to the main character; feelings of detachment from the world and the desire to go beyond all expectation to help people without repayment.  I don’t feel obligated or anything like that, nor do I expect recognition.  I just know what it feels like to feel helpless and alone and I don’t want other people to feel that way if I can do something to help prevent it.  Basically, I care.  A lot of people have told me things, especially recently, that they say they have never told anyone else before.  I have a great amount of respect for that and appreciation for the trust people put in me.

This promotion of Gavin’s, while making me exceptionally proud of him, has also made me feel… hmmm, I can’t think of the word.  I want people to be proud of me and my achievements like I see they’re proud of him, but the things I’m proud of for me are things that go unnoticed by the general population.  Like, rather than receiving a work related promotion, I might have a stranger open up to me and tell me about their darkest secrets and suicidal thoughts and I’ll help them through it, no matter what it takes.  It’s not something I can go and tell the world, but knowing I’ve made a world of difference to someone somewhere in the world is extraordinary.  I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives.  I’d like for people to remember me as a distant girl known as ‘DarkSlinky’ who guided them from the past to the future.

I went off on so many different tangents just then, in true SLINKY style!

Sunday and Monday were uneventful, although today Nicki replied to an e-mail I sent him.  It was only a few lines but I was overjoyed to hear from him.

Oh!  How could I forget?  Today was Gavin’s first day and, by some astronomically unlikely coincidence, he happens to be working with someone from my clan; Fraternity of Valour.  This is someone I haven’t met before, I completely forgot he lives in Brisbane and seriously, what are the odds that Gavin would just happen to notice he had a message on Facebook from someone in Fraternity of Valour?  I’m looking forward to meeting him.  I just can’t believe how small the world is sometimes.

Tomorrow Emma arrives in Australia. YAY!!  I am SO excited.

<3 DarkSlinky.

My weekend turned out to be a lot better than I expected it to be. I didn’t think it would be bad or anything, I just figured it’d be like all my previous visits to Bundaberg; hot, uneventful and just boring in general.

My parents left early on Friday morning so they could drop my Nanna at her twin brother’s house in Gin Gin. Gavin and I travelled up later in the afternoon because I needed to wait until lunch time to sign up with our new internet company, and he didn’t finish work until 3pm.

I spent the morning with Alex, trying to ‘sort out’ my Christmas present, driving to different places to see if they could do what he needed done to it. I had no idea what it was and he wouldn’t tell me so it was a bit of a mystery tour for me. In case you didn’t realise, I love ‘mystery tours’ and ‘adventures’ and anything that involves going somewhere with someone and causing mischief. In the end we gave up and went back to his place where he gave in and showed me what it is; a glove that fits over the first three fingers on your hand to help a pool cue slide along your thumb easier. He told me he intended to get “Slinky” embroidered in hot pink along one of the fingers. It sounds a bit random but Alex has been teaching me to play pool properly and my hands get sweaty easily so I constantly have to put chalk on my hand to help the cue slide along my thumb. Wearing a glove means I don’t have to worry about getting blue chalk all over my face anymore! Yay! Now all I need is a customised black pool cue with “Slinky” up the side in pretty writing. I might even start designing it.

The drive up to Bundaberg in the afternoon wasn’t exciting. I mean, it is just 4 hours of driving through Australian bush… Haha. It gave Gavin and I the chance just to be together and talk, though, which was really nice.

We stayed at my Mothers’ Aunty Nina’s (pronounced Nine-ah) for the weekend. She’s an amazing woman. Her name is actually Ingaborg, but my Grandmother (who was her little sister) couldn’t pronounce Ingaborg when she was young so she just started calling her Nina, and it stuck. She’s 89 years old, completely blind, mostly deaf and lives alone in a house she has owned for 55 years. She was very close to her two sisters, my Grandmother, Esther, and my Aunty Betty. Sadly they have both passed away, my Grandmother in December 2007 and Aunty Betty in January of this year. It pains me to think about it. My Aunty Nina is a lot like my Grandmother and I found myself often close to tears while I was with her. My Grandmother was a beautiful and inspirational woman and I miss her every day.

Saturday was a huuuuuge day. Firstly Gavin and I went to the Bundaberg Rum Factory in the morning. We bought 9 bottles of Rum Liqueur because that’s the only place you can buy it. It wasn’t all for us, we’re not that obsessed. 3 bottles were for Gavin’s mother, 3 bottles were for Gavin and 3 bottles were for me and my Dad. Okay, maybe we’re a little obsessed, but hey, rum is delicious.

We then met my Uncle and his girlfriend for lunch at my Mothers’ friend’s new Yum cha restaurant. Just so you know, poor Gavin was overloaded with my relatives throughout the weekend. He had never met any of these people before.

After lunch we went with my parents to a go kart track. Last time we went there I wasn’t quite old enough to drive a two-stroke go kart and I had to drive a four-stroke with my little nephew, but this time I was old enough. I was terrified I would flip and crash and explode and die but I’m the sort of person who challenges myself to do things I’m afraid of. I took the leap and enjoyed every second of it. I discovered I’m really not too bad at drifting around corners! My dad was so proud. I even overtook Gavin twice, but to be fair, his first go kart died and he weighs a lot more than I do. I’ve ended up with a massive bruise on my knee where it was resting against the steering column. I also got bruises on my shoulder blades from the seat and a burn on my arm from the engine, but it was all worth it. I had an absolute ball. I’d love to race professionally.

The three of us (Dad, Gavin and I) came off the track all sweaty and dry mouthed so my mother drove us to Bargara for a swim at the beach. It’s not a particularly impressive beach but a relaxing swim in the ocean will never go undesired on a hot day in Queensland.

Saturday afternoon was spent hunting for a pair of nice shoes because I had forgotten to pack mine and then getting all dressed up for my mothers’ cousin’s 50th birthday party. I’ll be uploading photos of all of these adventures.

My Auntie’s party was a lot of fun. Gavin and I spent the night meeting relatives, spending time with my parents, hunting for food and dancing. At one point I convinced Mum to come on to the dance floor with me and show me some of her dance moves from when she was my age. I always love dancing with Mum but after a while of dancing with her a man I hadn’t met before came over and swept me up in a dance of his own. Mum seemed relieved to be able to resume her seat. I can’t recall his name, but he was really good and he spun me around and round and swayed me and I just laughed the whole time. He said I did really well. I’ve never danced like that before and I certainly won’t be forgetting it in a hurry. He must have been a friend of my Auntie’s.

When our dance was over I politely thanked him and returned to my seat with Gavin, who was talking to my Mother and my Mother’s cousin. Turns out this cousin, Ian I think his name is, is a photographer and had been watching me throughout the night. He was telling Gavin and Mum about how he thinks I’m photogenic and would like to have a photo shoot with me one day. I felt incredibly flattered. It was the icing on the cake, my night was officially awesome. Little did I know it would only get better.

Upon exiting the party, quite a few of my Auntie’s commented on how good looking Gavin was and told me in private that they think he’s a wonderful man, a ‘keeper’ they called him, and told me to look after him. I told them I would most certainly keep this one.

My parents, Gavin and I returned to Aunty Nina’s house at about 11pm. When we got out of the car I commented on how beautiful the sky looked and the four of us stood there for a while trying to find the Southern Cross, but it must have been out of our view. I told them I’d like to sit outside for a while and watch the sky, one of the things I love to do if I have spare time in the evening. Gavin offered to join me. I can’t remember the last time I star gazed with company so it was really nice to have someone there with me.

While we sat there together and watched the stars I told Gavin about how they make me feel like both me and my problems are so small and insignificant. If I were to die the universe wouldn’t even flinch, it’s just so incomprehensible and vast. I’m just a spec in a picture so huge we meagre humans can’t even comprehend it. It gives me a sense of peace amongst the chaos and mayhem of my mind. I told him about how the stars remind me of people who have passed on from this life, how I’ve been to a lot of funerals for someone my age and how I miss each and every one of them. I told him about the numbness I’ve felt inside for the past few years, how I struggle to feel emotion after hurting for so long. He touched my cheek and must have felt that it was damp, because he pulled me close and told me I’m his world. Such a beautiful moment, you know the kind that just melts your heart? I’ve experienced more of these moments in the past month than I had over the course of my whole life. I’m appreciating every second of it.

Our weekend concluded nicely with the drive home being much the same as the drive up, except that we stopped for lunch at an old style Pizza Hut, which was a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

I find myself missing Nicki. A few weeks ago that he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore; I don’t fully understand why. I wasn’t angry with him or anything, I just told him that I would miss him but that I wanted him to be happy and that he should do whatever he needed to do to achieve that. I guess his decision was to cut me out of his life. My life really isn’t the same without him and I hope he contacts me again sometime soon. I’m going to think about maybe contacting him myself.

Hmm. The bruise on my knee is turning black. That’s kind’ve freaky.

Sleep. Sleep.

<3 DarkSlinky.