Just so you know, my brain isn’t exactly working tonight.  I know what I want to say but every time I type it, it doesn’t seem to make sense.  My train of thought is very disjointed, so I apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.

It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of bliss, contentedness and misery that seems to work on what I like to think of as a ‘trigger-system’.  By that I mean that if I feel happy I think it’s only a matter of time until something goes wrong, and if I feel sad I think I just have to wait for something to go right.  It could take a few hours or a few days.  How sad I feel doesn’t affect the time span; I can be either very distressed or just feeling mildly disconnected, like I do now.

I realise it’s completely irrational to be feeling upset when things are going well.  I think I’m feeling this way now because I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.  My back has now been aching for 12 days and I’ve had very little sleep in that time.

I’m also very nervous about my job interview tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it and I feel excited about the fact that I’ve found the beginning of the road I want to walk down and I don’t feel completely lost.

However, this afternoon I was talking to one of my friends who had been trying to help motivate me since my break-up.  He asked me where my job interview was, and when I told him, he had the nerve to say, and I quote, “Get a real job.”  I felt deeply offended and disheartened, even if he was just ‘joking’, which I don’t think he was because when I tried to explain why I’m passionate about this line of work, he told me working at the local supermarket would be more of a ‘job’.

What the hell?  Apparently teaching parents, babies and children about pool safety that could very well save their lives one day is a waste of time.  It also means I’m a ‘babysitter’ and not a ‘teacher’.

What-ev-er.

The other issue I have at the moment is that I’ve found out a few of my close friends are moving away.  Emma already lives in New Zealand and I have two more friends who are moving overseas to be with people they love; one to the US and one to the UK.  On the one hand, I can go visit them and see more of the world, but I’ll still miss them dearly…

A good representation of how I’m feeling now would be a song most people would know quite well, Evanescence – Going under.

My next blog will either be ecstatic or bleh, I imagine… you know, as opposed to all the other things it could be.

Haha. Oh, I amuse myself.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Thursday I spent the day practising pool with Alex and shopping with Gavin… nothing exceptionally interesting from what I can remember.

Friday evening I went to another Christmas party with Gavin.  All the people there were 5 – 15 years older than me, but because I’m used to being around older people (my siblings) I didn’t feel out of place.  I lost count of how many glasses of champagne I had and I ended up making good friends with one lady, her name escapes me.  She started calling me ‘Little Sister’, hahah.  Oh, I had an absolute ball.

The partner of the lady who hosted the party is a chef and he cooked stacks of the most incredible food I’ve ever eaten.  Like, you know how you eat something delicious but after a while you sort of get over it?  It wasn’t like that with this food.  I couldn’t stop myself eating it.  Then there was dessert!  Far out…  I’ll never forget that food, ever.  You guys should be jealous!

So on Saturday I was pretty hung over, but I got up and went shopping with my mum.  We had lunch together and all that, it was nice spending time with her.

I got in contact with one of my friends from primary school (the beautiful Blair, affectionately known as Belairsan) and we decided to meet up again and hang out for a while.  We went down to the dam and had a really good chat about different issues and stuff…  We severed contact about a year or so ago because she and my ex didn’t get along, but now he’s gone and I realised how much I missed her.

She wanted to meet Gavin so he came over and we had dinner and went swimming and all that fun stuff.  They got along well which makes me really happy.  My ex never really got along with my friends and I always thought it would be nice to have someone who actually made an effort to make friends with my friends.

I’ve since told all of my friends to be open with me about what they think about my partners, rather than pretending to like them just for my sake.  I’ve learnt to be open with my friends about my relationships which, in my opinion, is of the utmost importance.  There should be no reason to hide if you’re upset over an argument you’ve had with your partner or whatever, and it’s good to have the support and advice of other people.  That way they can tell you if they think you’d be happier without that person, although sometimes I know it can be hard to listen when denial kicks in.

Saturday evening Gavin and I watched Seven Pounds.  I highly recommend it.  I found I could really relate to the main character; feelings of detachment from the world and the desire to go beyond all expectation to help people without repayment.  I don’t feel obligated or anything like that, nor do I expect recognition.  I just know what it feels like to feel helpless and alone and I don’t want other people to feel that way if I can do something to help prevent it.  Basically, I care.  A lot of people have told me things, especially recently, that they say they have never told anyone else before.  I have a great amount of respect for that and appreciation for the trust people put in me.

This promotion of Gavin’s, while making me exceptionally proud of him, has also made me feel… hmmm, I can’t think of the word.  I want people to be proud of me and my achievements like I see they’re proud of him, but the things I’m proud of for me are things that go unnoticed by the general population.  Like, rather than receiving a work related promotion, I might have a stranger open up to me and tell me about their darkest secrets and suicidal thoughts and I’ll help them through it, no matter what it takes.  It’s not something I can go and tell the world, but knowing I’ve made a world of difference to someone somewhere in the world is extraordinary.  I want to make a difference in peoples’ lives.  I’d like for people to remember me as a distant girl known as ‘DarkSlinky’ who guided them from the past to the future.

I went off on so many different tangents just then, in true SLINKY style!

Sunday and Monday were uneventful, although today Nicki replied to an e-mail I sent him.  It was only a few lines but I was overjoyed to hear from him.

Oh!  How could I forget?  Today was Gavin’s first day and, by some astronomically unlikely coincidence, he happens to be working with someone from my clan; Fraternity of Valour.  This is someone I haven’t met before, I completely forgot he lives in Brisbane and seriously, what are the odds that Gavin would just happen to notice he had a message on Facebook from someone in Fraternity of Valour?  I’m looking forward to meeting him.  I just can’t believe how small the world is sometimes.

Tomorrow Emma arrives in Australia. YAY!!  I am SO excited.

<3 DarkSlinky.

My parents left early on Friday morning so they could drop my Nanna at her twin brother’s house in Gin Gin. Gavin and I travelled up later in the afternoon because I needed to wait until lunch time to sign up with our new internet company, and he didn’t finish work until 3pm.

I spent the morning with Alex, trying to ‘sort out’ my Christmas present, driving to different places to see if they could do what he needed done to it. I had no idea what it was and he wouldn’t tell me so it was a bit of a mystery tour for me. In case you didn’t realise, I love ‘mystery tours’ and ‘adventures’ and anything that involves going somewhere with someone and causing mischief. In the end we gave up and went back to his place where he gave in and showed me what it is; a glove that fits over the first three fingers on your hand to help a pool cue slide along your thumb easier. He told me he intended to get “Slinky” embroidered in hot pink along one of the fingers. It sounds a bit random but Alex has been teaching me to play pool properly and my hands get sweaty easily so I constantly have to put chalk on my hand to help the cue slide along my thumb. Wearing a glove means I don’t have to worry about getting blue chalk all over my face anymore! Yay! Now all I need is a customised black pool cue with “Slinky” up the side in pretty writing. I might even start designing it.

The drive up to Bundaberg in the afternoon wasn’t exciting. I mean, it is just 4 hours of driving through Australian bush… Haha. It gave Gavin and I the chance just to be together and talk, though, which was really nice.

We stayed at my Mothers’ Aunty Nina’s (pronounced Nine-ah) for the weekend. She’s an amazing woman. Her name is actually Ingaborg, but my Grandmother (who was her little sister) couldn’t pronounce Ingaborg when she was young so she just started calling her Nina, and it stuck. She’s 89 years old, completely blind, mostly deaf and lives alone in a house she has owned for 55 years. She was very close to her two sisters, my Grandmother, Esther, and my Aunty Betty. Sadly they have both passed away, my Grandmother in December 2007 and Aunty Betty in January of this year. It pains me to think about it. My Aunty Nina is a lot like my Grandmother and I found myself often close to tears while I was with her. My Grandmother was a beautiful and inspirational woman and I miss her every day.

Saturday was a huuuuuge day. Firstly Gavin and I went to the Bundaberg Rum Factory in the morning. We bought 9 bottles of Rum Liqueur because that’s the only place you can buy it. It wasn’t all for us, we’re not that obsessed. 3 bottles were for Gavin’s mother, 3 bottles were for Gavin and 3 bottles were for me and my Dad. Okay, maybe we’re a little obsessed, but hey, rum is delicious.

We then met my Uncle and his girlfriend for lunch at my Mothers’ friend’s new Yum cha restaurant. Just so you know, poor Gavin was overloaded with my relatives throughout the weekend. He had never met any of these people before.

After lunch we went with my parents to a go kart track. Last time we went there I wasn’t quite old enough to drive a two-stroke go kart and I had to drive a four-stroke with my little nephew, but this time I was old enough. I was terrified I would flip and crash and explode and die but I’m the sort of person who challenges myself to do things I’m afraid of. I took the leap and enjoyed every second of it. I discovered I’m really not too bad at drifting around corners! My dad was so proud. I even overtook Gavin twice, but to be fair, his first go kart died and he weighs a lot more than I do. I’ve ended up with a massive bruise on my knee where it was resting against the steering column. I also got bruises on my shoulder blades from the seat and a burn on my arm from the engine, but it was all worth it. I had an absolute ball. I’d love to race professionally.

The three of us (Dad, Gavin and I) came off the track all sweaty and dry mouthed so my mother drove us to Bargara for a swim at the beach. It’s not a particularly impressive beach but a relaxing swim in the ocean will never go undesired on a hot day in Queensland.

Saturday afternoon was spent hunting for a pair of nice shoes because I had forgotten to pack mine and then getting all dressed up for my mothers’ cousin’s 50th birthday party. I’ll be uploading photos of all of these adventures.

My Auntie’s party was a lot of fun. Gavin and I spent the night meeting relatives, spending time with my parents, hunting for food and dancing. At one point I convinced Mum to come on to the dance floor with me and show me some of her dance moves from when she was my age. I always love dancing with Mum but after a while of dancing with her a man I hadn’t met before came over and swept me up in a dance of his own. Mum seemed relieved to be able to resume her seat. I can’t recall his name, but he was really good and he spun me around and round and swayed me and I just laughed the whole time. He said I did really well. I’ve never danced like that before and I certainly won’t be forgetting it in a hurry. He must have been a friend of my Auntie’s.

When our dance was over I politely thanked him and returned to my seat with Gavin, who was talking to my Mother and my Mother’s cousin. Turns out this cousin, Ian I think his name is, is a photographer and had been watching me throughout the night. He was telling Gavin and Mum about how he thinks I’m photogenic and would like to have a photo shoot with me one day. I felt incredibly flattered. It was the icing on the cake, my night was officially awesome. Little did I know it would only get better.

Upon exiting the party, quite a few of my Auntie’s commented on how good looking Gavin was and told me in private that they think he’s a wonderful man, a ‘keeper’ they called him, and told me to look after him. I told them I would most certainly keep this one.

My parents, Gavin and I returned to Aunty Nina’s house at about 11pm. When we got out of the car I commented on how beautiful the sky looked and the four of us stood there for a while trying to find the Southern Cross, but it must have been out of our view. I told them I’d like to sit outside for a while and watch the sky, one of the things I love to do if I have spare time in the evening. Gavin offered to join me. I can’t remember the last time I star gazed with company so it was really nice to have someone there with me.

While we sat there together and watched the stars I told Gavin about how they make me feel like both me and my problems are so small and insignificant. If I were to die the universe wouldn’t even flinch, it’s just so incomprehensible and vast. I’m just a spec in a picture so huge we meagre humans can’t even comprehend it. It gives me a sense of peace amongst the chaos and mayhem of my mind. I told him about how the stars remind me of people who have passed on from this life, how I’ve been to a lot of funerals for someone my age and how I miss each and every one of them. I told him about the numbness I’ve felt inside for the past few years, how I struggle to feel emotion after hurting for so long. He touched my cheek and must have felt that it was damp, because he pulled me close and told me I’m his world. Such a beautiful moment, you know the kind that just melts your heart? I’ve experienced more of these moments in the past month than I had over the course of my whole life. I’m appreciating every second of it.

Our weekend concluded nicely with the drive home being much the same as the drive up, except that we stopped for lunch at an old style Pizza Hut, which was a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

I find myself missing Nicki. A few weeks ago that he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore; I don’t fully understand why. I wasn’t angry with him or anything, I just told him that I would miss him but that I wanted him to be happy and that he should do whatever he needed to do to achieve that. I guess his decision was to cut me out of his life. My life really isn’t the same without him and I hope he contacts me again sometime soon. I’m going to think about maybe contacting him myself.

Hmm. The bruise on my knee is turning black. That’s kind’ve freaky.

Sleep. Sleep.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I feel very taken for granted, though I guess that’s partially my own fault for telling people I’ll be here for them no matter what.  I’ve always believed love should be unconditional, but maybe that’s not a healthy way to look at it.  Maybe you should love with the condition that, in your opinion, you’re being treated right.  Sometimes people make mistakes and forgiveness must be given, but what if they’re not asking for it?  Do you forgive anyway, or simply forget them and move on?

There is a point to my strange ramblings.  A few of my close friends have taken to nitpicking at my personality and the things I do, criticizing bits and pieces without justification.  It hurts me deeply.  There are things about them I certainly don’t like, but I’ll take the good and the bad and love every piece of them.  I don’t expect them to be perfect, and I certainly don’t want them to change, yet I feel as though they expect me to be perfect.  Seems unfair to me.

Up until now I’ve taken their nitpicking as reflections of their own insecurities, so I brushed it aside and let it be.  Tonight I decided to tell them how I feel, that I’m hurt and I think it’s unfair.  How they take it is up to them.

Yesterday I had a really lovely day.  I went shopping in the city with some friends, had lunch, celebrated a friend’s birthday, met up with more friends and played pool, stuff like that.  We spent the whole day laughing together and I felt warmth in my heart.  (I’ll upload photos when I’m no longer speed capped).

One of my friends from yesterday was behaving strange today, acting like I’ve screwed up when I have no idea what I’ve done wrong.  To be honest I don’t think he himself knows what I’ve done wrong.  Maybe he just needs someone to take his frustration out on, but why should it be me?  I have enough worry and frustration of my own to deal with.

I’ve found a really awesome word to describe me.  ‘Scatterbrain.’ I think it’s one of the things about me that annoys people.  Sometimes I’ll hear what they say and respond to them, but I immediately forget or get distracted by something else.  I don’t do it on purpose but people can be frustrated or offended by it.

I need a shirt that says “Caution:  Scatterbrain present.  Connection to reality may be lost without warning.”

On a better note, Gavin asked me on Friday if I’d like to go see Mao’s Last Dancer with him at the movies.  I accepted, and when we got to the cinema he surprised me by taking me through to the Gold Class section of the theatre.  It’s very expensive but a really good experience; delicious food, comfortable lounges, alcohol (woo!), etc.  The movie was really good too, I’d highly recommend it.  It shows what life is like in China, even today.  I feel so special.  Thank you for a memorable night, Gavin. <3

Today I went underwear shopping with mum.  We had a great time.  I then spent the afternoon relaxing in the pool.  It’s been a long time since I felt at home like that in our pool, I’m not sure why, but today was fantastic.  The water was so warm and soft… soft?  I don’t know.  I think that’s what I mean, haha.

Tomorrow I’m changing our phone and internet plan so I’m not sure how long I’ll be without internet.  Hopefully it won’t be too long.

Wish me luck with the setting up of my new internet!

Kthx.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I can’t remember! I need to start writing these things down.

Oh yes. Tuesday I spent the day cleaning, and in the evening I’m pretty sure I went to Gavin’s to watch The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded.  There had been a storm in the afternoon, for some reason storms put me in the mood for matrix style movies. I don’t know, I’m weird, okay? Haha.

Wednesday afternoon Gavin took me to meet some of his friends at a place in the city. We had a few drinks and played pool. I failed so badly, but it was fun.  It was an awesome place, I’m looking forward to going back there and hopefully doing better at pool, plus drinks were cheaper there than they are in other places.

Today I got up earlier and went over to my sisters’ place to spend some time with her and her daughter.  As I left she gave me a hug and a kiss which was a very pleasant surprise. My day certainly started out well, and only got better!

After visiting my sister, Monique and I went on incredibly-crazy-happy-fun-times adventures.  These adventures included getting a tyre changed and shopping! Oh, so much shopping.  Our shopping adventure isn’t even over yet.  Okay, so I was trying on this pair of black, slip-on shoes and they fit perfectly so I took them to the counter. The lady at the counter told me they had a 2 for $25 sale, so I grab a red pair in the same size. When I got home I realised that while the red pair say they’re the same size as the black ones, they’re actually a few sizes bigger. Moral of the story is always check the size of the shoe! Luckily I can exchange them, so I’ll do that sometime soon.  I also bought 2 dresses, one is a $109.95 cocktail dress marked down to $10; I kid you not! Bargain! Oh yes, I got a cute Hello Kitty bag too. Mew.

Tonight I was fortunate enough to receive pool lessons from Eevari and Alex while Gavin installed Starcraft Battle Chest for me as a surprise for when I got home.  Such a sweetie!  Next time I play pool in the city I’ll surprise them all with my new found skills, thanks to Alex.

I played some Left 4 Dead today, which kind of surprised my gaming friends because I told them I wouldn’t be playing it again.  I remembered all the reasons why I enjoy playing it though so I think I’ll get back into it.  Left 4 Dead 2 and Borderlands are in my Steam list ready to download; I’m so excited.  It’s only a few weeks until they’re released.

You know what words are good words? Hellishly and bodacious. Alex just said them to me and I thought to myself, “… Those are noteworthy words.”  Yep.  So I stole them.

Time for a shower. I got a 14 day free trial of World of Warcraft so I feel dirty.

<3 DarkSlinky.

The lunch was in honour of my brothers’ fiancée.  In June of this year she suffered a massive heart attack and we very nearly lost her.  It was a terrible thing for my whole family to experience.  Dad, Liam and I had to fly to Melbourne a few days after it happened (another story in itself), and unfortunately I didn’t receive as much emotional support as I should have.  Dad understood how I felt though and together we worried and missed the rest of my family until it was time to fly home.  I hope it’s not something that occurs in my family again.  Today was to show her that we appreciate her and we love her.  The neighbours also decided to stop in so our family could meet their new baby boy; today was certainly a celebration of life.

It was also a good opportunity for Gavin to meet the rest of my family.  It turned out to be a really lovely day and my siblings really seemed to like him, which makes me happy.  He’s a charming gentleman who clearly has my best interests at heart, and that seemed to really impress my brothers and sisters.  They want what’s best for me, and so do I!  I need a man who will treat me right and make me feel special.   I’m beginning to ramble, moving on…

After everyone left Gavin and I played some Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead.  My gaming friend, Hayden, asked me if I’d like to go in with them in buying a Left 4 Dead 2 four pack and someone from Pants Party asked the same of a Borderlands four pack.  I didn’t plan to buy either game for a while, but the advantage of buying games in a group is that you get them a lot cheaper.  I decided to take the opportunity; why not?  I’ve been thoroughly enjoying life lately and want to continue to do so.  Not that I need games to enjoy life, but yay for games!

Tonight Gavin and I went over to Alex and Eevari’s house, saw Alex before he went to work, then we had some dinner and played pool.  You know, I’m really not too bad at pool for someone who sucks at it. Haha.

A few people have asked me if I’m in a relationship with Gavin but the answer as of yet is no.  I am interested in Gavin and I do like him, but I’m not ready for a new relationship yet.  Four years is a long time to have been with someone and I still need some time to focus on myself.  I’m really proud of the fact that I’m mature enough to recognise the sort of position I’m in and how best to approach the future.  The near future is looking to be full of hope and happiness, something I didn’t expect quite so soon but it’s certainly a pleasant surprise.

I’ve already spoken to him about it all so it’s not like I’m announcing these sorts of things randomly in my blog!  That would be an awful thing to do, haha.

I’ll upload a couple of photos from the Barbeque today. Enjoy!

Jayne, Dad and Madonna.

Brothers' Fiancée.

Crazy scientist hair!

<3 DarkSlinky.