I quit my job because I got into university. Yay!

I am now a poor, unemployed university student studying a Bachelor of Applied Science/Bachelor of Secondary Education.

My degree eats all of my time. The time it takes for me to travel to and from university, attend classes and study is more than a full time job; somewhere between 50 and 60 hours a week, maybe even more.. This is the first night in a long time that I’ve actually stopped studying before 7pm!

You may wonder where so many hours are going – well, let me tell you! 80% of my time is invested in one particular subject, ‘Cellular Basis of Life,’ in which we were studying biochemistry in the first week. It is extremely overwhelming and stressful, but I’m managing. I was worried that I would struggle with chemistry but every biochemistry lecture is effectively just words plowing into the brick wall that is my brain. Chemistry is difficult, but biochemistry is off the difficulty scale entirely.

Actually, it’s kind of funny, because my chemistry lecturer will mention something, for example, a hydrogen bond, then will explain that we don’t need to understand it early on as it’s quite complicated. Meanwhile, in my biochemistry lecture in the hour before, we were told we are expected to know all about every kind of bond on a chemical level. I always laugh a little inside, in a sad and bitter way.

The other 18% of my time goes into chemistry, philosophical science and mathematics. That leaves 2% of my time for eating, sleeping and ‘me’ time (usually spent zoning out under a steaming hot shower).

I am completely exhausted, I come home every day with a headache, but I’m so glad that my life is actually going somewhere. I never believed I was good enough for science, yet here I am, understanding horrible words like oligosaccharide, polypeptide, hemiacetal…

In other news, a photo of mine was picked to be in a gallery for Youth Week. I am very happy, can’t wait to see it hanging up for people to see!

These are the 5 photos I sent in and they ended up picking the 4th one (first on the second row):

Hopefully I will be able to update more in the future but I have assessments due and mid-semester exams looming, so I will probably update in another… year….

<3 DarkSlinky.

I’m feeling very sleepy at the moment, but it’s been about a week and a half since I left Gavin and I’ve just realised the numbness I’ve felt for the past few months has started to fade.

I’ve started to really enjoy every day, simply spending time with friends and getting up to mischief.  Despite my parents being quite negative towards me lately, I feel very hopeful about the future.  I know the next few weeks are going to be really memorable with the opening of the Mana Bar this Saturday.

I feel motivated to find a job and get my house organised again.  I don’t feel so motivated to look into university but I think that’s mainly because my parents are discouraging me to enrol in the course I’m interested in, which is a Bachelor of Education.  My sister decided to tell them teachers have the highest suicide rate of anyone and I think my parents have freaked out.  I think they’re underestimating me though.  Teaching is something I’m passionate about and my background in Psychology would definitely come in handy.

Dad:  “Do you really want to be a teacher? I reckon it’d be a horrible job, dealing with kids these days… :\”
Me:  “Someone has got to do it. ”

I expect some days I’ll still feel down and unmotivated, but I’m so happy to be ‘feeling’ again; everything from happiness, sadness, anger, pain, hope, motivation, jealousy, amusement… the list goes on and on and it’s all great. (I just thought I’d list the emotions I’ve felt recently, quite random..)

<3 to all my friends who stuck by me despite my whinging over the past few weeks… Haha.

Time to pick up again.

I’ve also been enjoying getting to know my Team Fortress 2 clan, Pants Party, better.  Alex and I met another Brisbane member a few weeks ago.  In the coming weeks I’ll hopefully get to meet the rest of the Brisbane Pants Party guys as well as the few members who are flying in to Brisbane from various places in April.  It’s going to be so epic! >:3

I’ve realised the music I listen to definitely reflects the way I’m feeling.  The past few months I’ve been listening to Slipknot, Evanescence and System of a Down quite obsessively, but now I’m obsessed with Pendulum.  Check it ouuut:  Pendulum – The other side.

Lovelovelovelove!

<3 DarkSlinky.

So I thought I would do a quick update.

Let’s see…

Mostly I’ve just been sorting out some relationship issuuuuuuues (mer, mer, mer, you know how it is) as well as job hunting, which has been unsuccessful, I might add.

I’ve been feeling pretty down about it all so I’ve been playing games with friends, studying Japanese and making amigurumi in my spare time to cheer myself up.  It does the trick most of the time.  I’ve also found a few nice hiding spots in my little neighbourhood if I need to get away and think by myself for a while.

I have pretty much decided I’ll go back to university to study a Bachelor of Education as well as Japanese on the side, next semester if possible.  I shall have to look into that…

Lately I’ve become a little obsessed with Quake 3 Arena and Poker.  Yep, I learnt how to play real poker!  I thought I would be crap at it but apparently I’m not too bad.  I just have to practise my poker face.

I’ll have to post pictures of my little amigurumi projects, so I can see how I’ve improved.  I’m currently working on a cutesie little Kirby.  <3

Tomorrow is going to be another crazy day, I know it.

Bring it onnnn! >:3

<3 DarkSlinky.

On Sunday I was in a really foul mood due to the fact I didn’t sleep much, also because I’ve had persistent back pain since Thursday.  Apart from that, though, things are really starting to look up as my weekly routine begins to fall back into place after being disrupted years ago due to my feelings of worthlessness… </emo>.

Last week I finally got my phone number back, so I’ve gradually been recollecting everyone’s phone numbers again.  It feels great to be able to contact my friends whenever I want to, and for people to be able to contact me again.  Getting my phone number back also meant something else; I could finally start actively looking for a job again.

I applied for a few jobs over the weekend, but today I applied for a job at the place my niece has been learning to swim, and the place my sister recently got a job as a swimming trainer for children.  Within a few hours of me sending in my application, the boss called me and asked if I could come in for an interview on Monday.

I’m so stoked!  The job at this place wasn’t even advertised or anything, I just thought I would apply there and see what would happen.

So, I spent the day bouncing around and telling everyone I finally got an interview and it’s somewhere I’d not only feel comfortable, but I’d also feel passionate about the work I’d be doing.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.  Even though I still don’t know what I want to do about the university course I’m enrolled in, I feel like I’m a lot closer to finding the answers to my questions.

Getting to the ‘Interview’ stage of applying for a job has also substantially boosted my confidence, even if I don’t get the job.  It’s been years since I’ve had a job interview and it feels good to be back in the game.  The language and attitude the boss was using over the phone has given me a lot of confidence too; he seemed impressed and keen to meet me.

I’m very excited and nervous and I really hope this works out for me.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but that’s kind of tricky, as you can imagine.

This week I started teaching piano to my niece again.  Once I get this job situation sorted out I might be able to find more students, which would be great!

There is a wonderful man, my other half, waiting in my bed for me.  I think I shall go join him.

<3 DarkSlinky.

The past week has mostly involved games, shopping, get-togethers, job hunting and soul discovering.

Over the past few weeks I have acquired quite a few new games, thanks to the epic Steam Christmas sales.  Also thanks to Gavin for buying me some of my new games <3.  My spare time has been spent getting to know them better (especially Unreal Tournament); however ‘spare time’ has been a rare luxury.

Mind you, I love spending time with my friends and I will continue to do so as much as possible before Emma goes back home to New Zealand.  Some days we spend just shopping or hanging out at home together, and other days we’ll invite everyone to come together and talk, swim, play games and drink together.

Our most common topic of conversation would have to be Monique and how much she is missing out on simply by avoiding me (which as you know, is not my fault).  It’s just a combination of irritating people and a series of unfortunate events.

I spent today sulking and whinging about being sore from head to toe.  Last night I went into the city with a few friends for a ladies night on the town.  It was my first time clubbing and my god, it was incredible.  I don’t exactly remember the details of how we got to the club, but I remember once we got there I had the time of my life.  We danced for hours and then ate the most amazing tasting sausage rolls.  Oh yes, it was a night I will not forget.

The whole job hunting thing is stressing me out.  I’ve decided to defer university but I just feel like I’m wasting time.  At the same time, I don’t know if I’ll go back or drop out completely.  I don’t want it to look like I’ve given up because it was too hard, because that’s not the case at all.  I feel really bad for always bringing the topic up with my friends, because they either don’t know what to say or just tell me the same thing.  I’m looking for the answer but I need to find it in myself.

If I defer I have another 6 – 12 months to decide whether or not to go back into psychology or do something else, anyway.  I guess that is a big benefit.

I’ve had a (so far) mild case of insomnia again.  I think it started because I began to have nightmares again after New Year’s Eve.  They would have been triggered by a combination of things, including a really loud bang I heard while sitting in the backyard that frightened me.

Beware, I’m going to talk about “women’s things” to finish off – yes, Don, this warning is for you.

I find it interesting that all my friends monthly cycles synchronised to mine.  I find it even more interesting that all the men we’ve been spending a lot of time with have become very ‘pissy’.  One has even said to me that he has been very moody and he doesn’t understand why.  I told him he has PMS, which went down surprisingly well.  It seems there is evidence to support that women’s bodies synchronise, but I’m wondering it’s possible for men to ‘synchronise’ too… if you know what I mean?

Anyway, I should really try and sleep. Wish me luck!

<3 DarkSlinky.

All that aside though, I think it’s about time to look to the future.

For Christmas I got a Celestron AstroMaster 130EQ MD Reflector Telescope and Viva la Juicy perfume from Gavin.  I was so overjoyed that I cried.  I’ve always been interested in astronomy and I love to sit outside and gaze at the stars, so owning a telescope is a big deal to me. I was in shock for a few days.  My family were all very impressed.  Last night was the first clear night we’ve had since Christmas so we were able to take it out for a spin.  I’m going to have to practise aiming it at stars, but we did manage to focus on the moon.  Happy!

I’ve had an immense amount of fun spending time with my boyfriend, my family and my friends over Christmas and New Years Eve.  Nicki and I have been in contact again which made me realise just how much I missed him.  I’m very thankful to have him back in my life.

New Years Eve was not only a blue moon, but there was also a Partial Lunar Eclipse at approximately 10:30pm my time (whatever time that is.. haha).  To mark the occasion I was planning to head down to a beachside park called Moora Park; the place where my ex had asked me out under a full moon back in 2005.  I wanted to be there to watch the moon rise so I could pay my respects to the passing of the second decade of my life.  It may seem a little silly but it was to be my final way to let go of the past and move on with my life.  I mean, four years out of the last decade were spent with him.

Anyway, I decided all of this was way too depressing and instead I invited my friends to get dressed up with me and go together to Moora Park to have photos taken with the blue moon as it rose over the ocean, because it’s always magnified when it’s low on the horizon.  Unfortunately there were clouds on the horizon and we didn’t see it rise, but we did get a stack of really beautiful photos.  I shall upload them at some point.  We didn’t get to see the lunar eclipse due to cloudy skies but we still had a good night.

I’ve been feeling much more free since then.  For the first time in my life my year ended better than it started.  Hopefully from here on in it will be more common.  It seems happiness is rare for me, probably about as rare as a Partial Lunar Eclipse over a blue moon on the eve of the end of a decade.  Turns out these do occur.

Despite all this fun and freedom though I’ve been feeling very stressed.  Now that January is upon us the pressure is on for me to decide what to do this year and I have no idea where to start.  I was so certain I wanted to go back and do psychology but I had a ‘revelation’ (I guess you could call it?) and realised it’s not for me.  Or is it?? I love studying cognition, behaviour and biology but the statistics, research reports and journal articles were really killing me.  Being a clinical psychologist or even a counsellor would drain you emotionally every day.

I’m considering going into the IT department.  This is mainly because I love computers; building them, learning about them, teaching people about them, helping people fix them, etc.

This year I will go back to university, defer for another 6 months or cancel altogether.  Either way there is pressure; pressure to study, pressure to work.  Gavin is the only one telling me I have time to find my place in this world.  Honestly, I hope my place is with him.  I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like him, but I swear I must be the luckiest woman on this puny little planet.

I have plans!  I want to re-activate my gaming clan, Fraternity of Valour.   I want to go to Perth to meet the boys from my other clan, Pants Party, and see my Aunty.  I want to go to New Zealand to spend time with Emma.  I feel the urge to fight hard for a job, seeing as my search has still been unsuccessful.  I want people to remember me as someone who does what she needs to do.

I need motivation. Raaaaaar! </wookie>

<3 DarkSlinky.

On Tuesday, Alex and I drove to the airport to surprise Emma when she came through the gate.  Unfortunately we miscalculated how long it would take to get there and we arrived two hours early.  Her flight was due to land at 8:05am and we arrived at about 6:20am.  Not something I’ll forget in a hurry.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the airport and watching the people, playing games and drinking coffee.

Every day since then has been spent going out places, catching up with old friends and spending heaps of time together.

It has been so wonderful to have Emma home again.  We’ve been the closest of friends since grade 1 and over the years we developed a strange sense of humour together that no one else really understands.  We’re already using body language and having conversations that no one else understands.  We resolve each others confusing thought patterns, finish each others sentences and even say and do the exact same things at the exact same time sometimes.  Alex and Gavin have been lucky enough to witness this phenomenon.  This sort of bond doesn’t just develop overnight.  We’ve always shared a truly special friendship and every time she comes home I realise just how much I’ve missed her!

On Tuesday I had a few dramas with my eldest sister that really upset me but I guess I got over it.  Nothing was really resolved but that’s just how these things play out sometimes.

On Friday I saw Avatar with Gavin, Emma and Lynnette.  It was cliché and a bit corny but thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless.  I would recommend it!

At the moment I’m under quite a lot of pressure and there’s a lot on my mind.

I had decided a few months ago that I was going to go back to university and finish my psychology degree, but today I was watching a movie trailer and in it someone said, “If you had millions of dollars and didn’t have to work, what would you do?” and I thought, “I wouldn’t be working as a psychologist, that’s for sure.”  I’d probably work with cars or computers.  At the same time, everyone knows I love helping people.  I’ve told a few friends that I’m thinking about changing to an IT course next year and some have said, “But you’re so good at helping people!”  It’s flattering but I just don’t know what to do.  I have to think about what I want too, you know?  I want to help people but the research reports and statistics side of it is tripping me up, not to mention the fact that my university has made some really poor decisions regarding my psychology course…  I don’t know!!  It’s something I need to think long and hard about and my time is limited.

The other thing is that I may have my old job as an office administrator back starting first thing next year.  It would be really wonderful if I get it but I don’t want to get my hopes up at the same time.  I’ll probably find out tomorrow whether or not I get the job.

One option, if I do get the job, would be to defer university for a further 6 months to give me the chance to think more about what I want to do.   I need time to think and research but time is running out so fast.

Stress, stress!

All this stress definitely isn’t helping with my physical health.  Beware; the next few paragraphs will contain information regarding ‘ladies things’. While I firmly believe men should understand how these things work, I understand that some don’t want to hear anything about it. 

I skipped my last period and this month is either very late or has been skipped as well.  It could be due to a number of things; all of which are either nothing at all and will resolve themselves or can be quite serious.  I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not pregnant.  Haha.  It could be anything from stress to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Here’s hoping it’s nothing serious.  I’m tossing up whether or not to go to the doctor this week or wait another month before I go.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Stress -> miss period -> stress about missed period -> miss period -> stress… etc.

To the gentlemen out there – being a girl really sucks sometimes. Please be nice to us!

Oh yes, I forgot, I’m a total dag.  Gavin’s Christmas present arrived this week and I just happened to walk out into my lounge room carrying his present (unwrapped) while he was sitting there looking at me like, “What are you DOING?”  I didn’t even realise what I had done for a few minutes.  Luckily I was able to think of something else to give him so he’ll still get a surprise on Christmas day. Shame! Haha.

I’m thinking it’s time for a shower and cup of tea.  I need to de-stress.

<3 DarkSlinky.

A few years ago I was having a difficult time; I think I was about 14 years old.  I had an image as my desktop background that would make me feel better whenever I saw it (see below).  I knew it was from an anime, but I never knew which one.

Angel Sanctuary: All love lost.

I must have deleted the picture at some point and for years I could never find it again, until on Wednesday night.  I somehow came across it through Google and saved it again.  I even managed to learn which anime it came from; Angel Sanctuary.  It was kind of overwhelming to come across an image I had clung to during some of my darkest hours and the irony of it coming from an anime called “Angel Sanctuary” really struck a nerve with me.  So yeah, I was upset.

If I’m not making sense again, it’s because I’m tired.

Onward!

On Friday Gavin got a promotion which is really exciting for both of us.  The beginning of this year started out crap for me and got progressively worse.  Gavin suffered a break up through the year as well, so for us to have found happiness together as well as the promotion and me going back to university next year, the end of 2009 is really tying itself in a nice, neat, little bow for both of us.

Friday evening was really lovely.  I got all dressed up to go to a work Christmas party with Gavin.  The food was really good and I got to meet the people Gavin was working with before he got promoted, which he was proud to tell his work colleagues about through the night.

I think I’m falling for this guy, pretty sure he’s fallen for me. Squee!

I stayed at Gavin’s place Saturday night so we could get up early in the morning and spend some time with his grandparents and family before heading off to Tweed Heads.  I’m pretty sure his family likes me.

When we got to Tweed Heads Jeff was washing his car so I washed Gavin’s for him because I promised I would while we were in Bundaberg.  I’m the sort of girl who keeps her promises, something I’m quite proud of.

Saturday evening we went to watch the Roller Derby.  If you ever get the opportunity to watch it, go!  I would describe it as boxing in fishnets on roller skates.  I’m sure a lot of guys would be in to that!  I certainly was.  It was a lot of fun to watch, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It’s definitely something I would watch on a regular basis and maybe even try out myself, just for the hell of it.

When we got back to Jeff’s after the Roller Derby we had a few drinks and then decided to go on a midnight run to McDonalds for ‘breakfast’.  Oh how I love having friends who are insane and spontaneous like I am!

So today, Sunday, Gavin and I wanted to go to the beach at Tweed because we didn’t have the opportunity to last time.  I took some photos of the same beach last time because I was so impressed with how beautifully clear and blue the water was.  It’s even better to swim in, even when it’s freezing cold.  I could have spent hours in there, although it’s probably lucky I didn’t because the water was freezing and I’ve had a throat infection for the past few days.  Lucky the breeze was warm or we would never have made it out of there alive, haha.

Jeff’s girlfriend, Amy, gave me a formal dress she bought years ago for cheap that has always been a little bit too small for her.  It’s black, silky and absolutely stunning; an elegant dress by all means.  I took some photos of me wearing it tonight, although I couldn’t get the back done up by myself and I could only take the photos in a dodgy little mirror in my kitchen/laundry.  You can sort of see what it looks like though.

I’m getting more tired.  Gavin left his work USB here so he’s going to come over and wake me up early in the morning.  It’ll be the first time I see him in his work uniform and I probably won’t even get out of bed.

I ate off cheese today. My stomach isn’t happy with me.

Check it out, I was just playing Minesweeper with my good friend Chris, also known as Darkr, and I fluked 6 shots (The ones circled in red).  How crazy is that?  I then won the match with one final fluke shot, which was where the red X is.

Fluke shots!

Sleeeeeeeeeep.

<3 DarkSlinky.

I haven’t been doing anything interesting lately anyway.  When my ex left me my sleeping patterns went haywire and I didn’t do housework for weeks and weeks.  The place was nasty, but I’ve really put myself into gear this past week.  I’ve got my resume nearly ready to go, all of my chores are up to date (dishes, washing, vacuuming, etc.) and for the first time in a year or more I feel as though I’m really in control of my life.  I’ve found it really interesting to reflect on my own thoughts and behaviours over the last year.

Towards the end of last year to the beginning of this year, my ex’s parents were getting divorced and selling their house.   He had nowhere to go so he moved in with me, despite him and his mother not really wanting him to.  I wanted him to; I was excited that we would get to live together after so many years in a relationship.  However, the whole situation became awkward and a lot of tensions arose.

To be honest, I was really quite depressed.  I would cry for no particular reason and get sick often.  I felt as though life was simply too much to bear and I wanted to put it on hold and curl up in a ball by myself for a few months.  As a result, I became unmotivated and began to fall behind at university, which increased the pressure on me… etcetera.

I feel ashamed of doing badly at university this year, mostly because I know I could do better.  After reflecting on the whole situation I honestly think that it wasn’t my fault.  I went through a difficult time and obviously couldn’t cope.  I just wonder sometimes if I’m just trying to justify it, to make excuses.  I did reach out for help but it fell through.  I’m glad I was able to sort things out myself, though.  I’m really quite proud of myself.

I believe deferring my university course for six months was the right thing to do.  It’s given me the chance to really figure things out.  I think a lot of people think I’m irresponsible for not having a job but this is what I needed so that I could figure myself out and really get into gear.  Afterall, there’s no point being in gear if you don’t want to accelerate.

At the moment I’m quite stressed about a few personal things… my health mostly, and a few issues with friends.  I won’t go into details right now because it’s late and I have to be up early.

Gavin stayed with me for the weekend, from Friday to today.  It’s really nice to have a man around the house again; someone to deal with the bugs and give me kisses and cuddles while waiting for Borderlands to load.

Ah, yes, Borderlands was released last week.  Well, eventually anyway.  Firstly the release date was 3 days early and then they realised they had released the wrong version in Australia.  Typical. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m looking forward to the future, anyway.  Things like having a clean house, nice hair-cut, new games, new clothes, new boyfriend, new friends, a job and the motivation to do really well at university next year.  Yes, hopefully things continue along this path. =)

I just realised my ramblings don’t really make a whole lot of sense.  I’m really quite tired.  I hope the points I’m trying to convey aren’t too hard to figure out… not that there’s really any point.  I’m mostly trying to reflect on the past to benefit the future.  If that makes sense?

Yeah, I need to sleep. Haha.

<3 DarkSlinky.

Wednesday wasn’t exciting.  It took me about 3 hours to actually remember what I did, which turned out to be eating ice-cream and playing Left 4 Dead with Gavin, geek style.

Thursday I mostly did the housework.   In the evening I met Gavin and his friends at the shops.  It was so bizarre.   All of us saw our ex’s so we ended up sharing amusing stories about the past and plotting against them together.  It was hilarious and really made the whole experience a lot easier to deal with.  After shopping Gavin and I went back to his place to watch Watchmen.  I ended up falling asleep on his comfy, queen-sized bed so I just stayed the night.  Lucky he only lives a minute down the road.

It was really nice to wake up next to someone this morning.  I got up in a good mood and went down to Dad’s work for the day to clean my car and help him polish his FX Holden, which will be on display for a volunteers lunch tomorrow.  Gavin took me out for delicious fetuccini carbonara, so I got pizza for dinner tonight to nom on while we played games and watched the DaVinci Code.

Ahh Starcraft, romance, romance.

Gavin turned to me the other day and said, “You know, there’s just something about watching you slaughter aliens…” Oh how it made me laugh.

I’m motivated.  I’m going to get a job, buy my new computer case, buy new clothes, new shoes and get my hair cut.  I bought Killing Floor today.  I’m even sort of looking forward to going back to university and getting my degree over and done with.

I want to go to Paris!

Time for a cup of tea.

<3 DarkSlinky.